As I sit here typing and reflect on my why, the only sound is the soft whirring of my discrete pumps as they take the sweetness flowing from my breasts.
I began this journey with the birth of my first child. The experience of breastfeeding was life changing. Within a few weeks intimate moments with my husband were again an active part of my life. We discovered his time spent suckling created a connection between us we had never before experienced. It was as if time stood still and we were surrounded by all that was right with the world. I had been blessed with an ample supply of milk and soon began to donate my liquid gold to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit.
As my first son reached the age of 9 months, I discovered we were expecting our second child. Within ten years we were blessed with the birth of five children, I had maintained my breast milk at varying levels and the nurturing ABF experience had become continuous and fulfilling.
Sadly, the time came when our paths parted ways and I was alone, with breasts full and aching to be suckled.
Time heals all wounds they say, so I pressed forward.
I had a successful career as a Licensed Massage Therapist, many dear friends active in my life, beautiful children to love and care for and a belief to the depths of my soul that I would love again.
Future relationships came with blessings and one more child entered my life. I held her close to my heart and nurtured her at my bosom. My life was full but my journey was not complete. A sacred place in my heart was still waiting, yearning to be shared. Years passed, the children grew and valiantly flew from my nest to create their own meaningful lives and relationships. I cherished the memories and my circle expanded as I welcomed grandchildren into my world.
As I awoke one day lying in my bed, the room quiet and dimly lit by the gentle rays of dawn, I realized it was time, time for me. The moment I had waited for with anticipation and dread. My commitment was complete. My family well served. I taught them love, respect, values and how to nurture themselves and others. Their bag of lessons was packed, full of everything they would need for their journey. Again my thoughts were circling the repeated awareness, my time, a foreign concept in the past was now a reality crashing around me like waves, their wake lifting me up to a pinnacle, supporting me as I began to turn my nurturing powers back upon myself.
I left the caressing warmth of my bed and made my way to the kitchen, our favorite room in the house, where it was always busy and warm. The cookie jar always full and a cup of tea with a dab of honey would be ready to share when a dear one walked through the door. But today was different. Again, the thought ran through my mind. The stillness around me made the words even louder. My time. It was in deed about time, something I had always given to others freely.
I took my steaming cup of tea outside to the patio, the jingle of the dog’s collar as she followed me the only sound in the quiet morning. The cool morning air made me shiver. It was barely spring time and I was grateful for the shawl around my shoulders. I sat in my favorite chair and held my tea close as I became intensely aware of the life altering power present in the moment. No more excuses or reasons to wait.
I looked deeply inside myself and connected with a familiar energy. A woman I once knew. She was not lost or forgotten. She had actively been a part of everything created, but her hearts desires had grown dim, ignored and pushed down to make time in her busy life for those she loved. “I remember you” I lovingly whispered. “It’s your time, your turn, your passion, your heart.” In that moment the emotions of long ago awakened in the sacred place where love and desire still waited to be fulfilled.
I finished my cup of tea as the remembering, longing with desire, drifted to the surface of my being: allow, have joy, share joy, be joy. That was the mantra running through my mind.
I knew then what I needed to do. My most cherished experiences and love came from my bosom, my heart. I embraced the surges pulsing through my body, welcoming their return as I ordered my breast pumps and began caressing my breasts, stroking my nipples, feeling their love and desire to share the sacred heart space I had guarded for so long.
I put my tea cup in the kitchen sink, grabbed my swim suit, smiled with a knowing awareness and embraced my new future as I left for the pool to swim laps.