As I sit here typing and reflect on my why, the only sound is the soft whirring of my discrete pumps as they take the sweetness flowing from my breasts.
I began this journey with the birth of my first child. The experience of breastfeeding was life changing. Within a few weeks intimate moments with my husband were again an active part of my life. We discovered his time spent suckling created a connection between us we had never before experienced. It was as if time stood still and we were surrounded by all that was right with the world. I had been blessed with an ample supply of milk and soon began to donate my liquid gold to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit.
As my first son reached the age of 9 months, I discovered we were expecting our second child. Within ten years we were blessed with the birth of five children, I had maintained my breast milk at varying levels and the nurturing ABF experience had become continuous and fulfilling.
Sadly, the time came when our paths parted ways and I was alone, with breasts full and aching to be suckled.
Time heals all wounds they say, so I pressed forward.
I had a successful career as a Licensed Massage Therapist, many dear friends active in my life, beautiful children to love and care for and a belief to the depths of my soul that I would love again.
Future relationships came with blessings and one more child entered my life. I held her close to my heart and nurtured her at my bosom. My life was full but my journey was not complete. A sacred place in my heart was still waiting, yearning to be shared. Years passed, the children grew and valiantly flew from my nest to create their own meaningful lives and relationships. I cherished the memories and my circle expanded as I welcomed grandchildren into my world.
As I awoke one day lying in my bed, the room quiet and dimly lit by the gentle rays of dawn, I realized it was time, time for me. The moment I had waited for with anticipation and dread. My commitment was complete. My family well served. I taught them love, respect, values and how to nurture themselves and others. Their bag of lessons was packed, full of everything they would need for their journey. Again my thoughts were circling the repeated awareness, my time, a foreign concept in the past was now a reality crashing around me like waves, their wake lifting me up to a pinnacle, supporting me as I began to turn my nurturing powers back upon myself.
I left the caressing warmth of my bed and made my way to the kitchen, our favorite room in the house, where it was always busy and warm. The cookie jar always full and a cup of tea with a dab of honey would be ready to share when a dear one walked through the door. But today was different. Again, the thought ran through my mind. The stillness around me made the words even louder. My time. It was in deed about time, something I had always given to others freely.
I took my steaming cup of tea outside to the patio, the jingle of the dog’s collar as she followed me the only sound in the quiet morning. The cool morning air made me shiver. It was barely spring time and I was grateful for the shawl around my shoulders. I sat in my favorite chair and held my tea close as I became intensely aware of the life altering power present in the moment. No more excuses or reasons to wait.
I looked deeply inside myself and connected with a familiar energy. A woman I once knew. She was not lost or forgotten. She had actively been a part of everything created, but her hearts desires had grown dim, ignored and pushed down to make time in her busy life for those she loved. “I remember you” I lovingly whispered. “It’s your time, your turn, your passion, your heart.” In that moment the emotions of long ago awakened in the sacred place where love and desire still waited to be fulfilled.
I finished my cup of tea as the remembering, longing with desire, drifted to the surface of my being: allow, have joy, share joy, be joy. That was the mantra running through my mind.
I knew then what I needed to do. My most cherished experiences and love came from my bosom, my heart. I embraced the surges pulsing through my body, welcoming their return as I ordered my breast pumps and began caressing my breasts, stroking my nipples, feeling their love and desire to share the sacred heart space I had guarded for so long.
I put my tea cup in the kitchen sink, grabbed my swim suit, smiled with a knowing awareness and embraced my new future as I left for the pool to swim laps.
OMG this is so beautiful and authentic! I want to cry! Every word is so deeply felt!
Even though I don’t have children, I acutely know the “time for me” feeling and the search inside for that hidden part that is only rarely expressed to the outside world. Such a deep, mysterious part of being a woman is often challenging to articulate, but you have done so beautifully here.
We here are so privileged to share your journey and hear the thoughts from your nurturing heart.
<3 HUGS <3
Thank you T.C. You made my eyes leak!
Truly a nurturing bosom. It is incredible the feeling of completeness you felt when breastfeeding children and significant others. You convey those emotions nicely. Thank you for sharing this intimacy with us.
I look forward to reading more. It’s also nice to place a voice with a profile.🤗😘
Real men can wear pink. Thank you Grog for embracing my journey.
Very beauitful journey and it’s never to late for abf/anr. Thanks for sharing 🙏🙏
Thank you Gama for your support. May peace and love be with you on your journey.
My pleasure hun, love your journey and thank you🙏🙏🙏🌹🌹🌹
Very touching and wonderfully written piece. My emotions got the best of me while reading! So very wonderful! Thank you! 😊
Our hearts are powerful and in need of sharing on this sacred and wonderful journey. Thank you for sharing yours Rourkson.
A beautiful piece. You are blessed to have a wonderful life and love.
Monkoto thank you for your lovely comment. May you find the one you are looking for.
Honestly, it’s a beautiful story and you have a fantastic way of expressing your experience. We need more women like you in the group to tell what they feel. Hopefully you can fulfill all your desires and you can recover everything your heart needs.
Thank you Jorge. We all need to share our hearts without fear. Thank you for your support.
Beautiful
Thank you Ben, so glad you enjoyed My Why.
This is absolutely beautiful,inspiring and something I needed to hear. 🙂 thank you
Thank you Dreamsofmilk. We are all on this journey together, glad I could help.
This is beautifully written. I cried at the raw vulnerability and tenderness. Thank you for sharing.
Brian, your comments are a blessing to me on this journey. Thank you from my heart to yours.
There are times, like now, when one delves into an excerpt of another’s life and breathes-in a consummate wealth of nurturing satiation.
Though we’ve known each other merely a short while this time around, I can say with certainty that life for many is far better with you in it.
ES your kindness and support has allowed me to open the door to my sacred recesses and share the love and passion in my life.
Cheers to you my friend on this round of the journey.
These words could have been written for me, except I’m the male part of the ABF / ANR equation. When I lost my wife / ANR partner to cancer 9 yrs ago my life focus became my kids too and giving them all they need to go out in the world. ‘My time’ has come around again now too, and I have a special place prepared in my heart for that special lady.
Thank you so much for your beautifully articulated feelings.
Greg I read your wonderful profile and was touch by how similar our paths have been. I have stood in the center of the fire and know the passion required. It leaves a great void when you loose your partner. I hope we can stay in touch. Please reach out and DM me anytime you need support.
Thank you for sharing this. I was truly struck by the emotions you expressed and the feeling I experience albeit from a male perspective. My 3 kids are grown and on their own now. I nursed with my wife after each of our children. It was truly the most comforting, loving and bonding experience of my life. I feel that nursing and the bond it formed made me better husband and partner. With my wife now past, I still would like to recapture the emotions I experienced nursing.
Paul thank you for sharing your heart. Once the bond created by suckling has been experienced in a committed relationship you know it is impossible to have that depth and loving connection any other way. Keep looking for your special someone.
Thank you for sharing you story. We were never blessed with children, but I have always longed for that deep emotional bond and connection. I lost my husband suddenly 20 years ago, and have been unsuccessful finding a compatible partner to share this bond. Your story gives me hope. Looking forward to following your journey. Hoping we all are successful in our search for a compatible partner.
FN thank you for blessing us with your story. It is nice to know we don’t walk this path alone. Our coming together to share our like experiences gives us the strength to carry on. I hope we will create many opportunities to build friendships and connections here. Please keep in touch with me, I would love to hear more.
This is absolutely beautiful. Im just beginning my ANR journey. It has become nearly an obsession. Haven’t nursed in nearly 26 years. Cannot wait for my milk to flow. Please continue writing! It’s hard to find the likes of this without the kinks and fetishes. You are appreciated. 💗
Thank you so much for sharing. I hope we can visit more about our parallels. It’s a journey to be walked with friends.
I am stunned…it is rare that someone moves me with words as your words have moved me right now…I first saw your profile a few weeks ago and read the profile and your first blog entry….I had time today so read a little further…it brought up those long suppressed feelings I have had about nursing and the emotions it conjured up so many years ago…I too am single and looking for the right person in my life to nurture and love on…thank you for that “moment”….it was so powerful and real…
Thank you for sharing your heart. I am glad you are here and can find support and friendship in our community.
I truly enjoyed reading about your journey to the here and now. You are sum of all of your experiences and at the same time at any moment, there is an infinite potential for a newer version of you. That is the fascinating duality of our existence.
I really liked the part in the blog, where you talk to the woman inside, which you evoke and bring forth, after all the years of putting others first. I think that resonated with me a lot and gave me a spiritual high.
Everything we experience is for a reason and everyone we meet has something to share, if we are open hearted and willing to do so. Thank you for making me a part of your experience NB 😍 !!
Sin you are an amazing woman and I cherish our friendship and connection. Thank you for your support and for being part of the tribe.
You write very beautiful and from the heart! I so can relate to your feelings on this. I am also a grandmother and loved all the binding relationships I had in being able to breastfeed my children.
I long for that closeness and binding again.
Thank you Cowgirl, so wonderful to meet another grandmother that understands the bonds created and cherishes the breastfeeding journey.
Im also a massage therapist mama. I dont know who put these onions in here😭