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I unfortunately come at this from a little bit of a different lens because of me neurodivergence. I thrive on and crave information and truth. And I almost never see when the truth is a normal truth or someone being mean…it looks the same to me. But in that same manner, I also struggle with understanding when someone is lying, when I do not know that it may be an actual lie. Lastly, if someone were to “ghost me”, I rarely pick up on it and I am literally just waiting forever for a response. I just do not see that truth of when someone is not interested and stops responding. I just patiently wait like a naive fool. I know this does not directly answer your question and writing, but I will always take the truth, regardless of what form it comes in.
Hi @gardenman. I was just reading this research the other day and thought you (Or anyone for that matter) might enjoy reading it since you were in a toxic culture at work and I think it applies to anyone who feels lied to by people close or people pretending to be close to you: https://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/doctoral/3918/. It is a long painful read but the examples of people’s experiences made me feel not alone.
I kind of struggled with this when I was younger. I’d get defensive when people didn’t align with my opinion. I was obviously very immature. At some point I started focusing on their intention instead of the actual statement itself. If they didn’t want me for example then their intention wasn’t to hurt me, it was just to end the interaction so we don’t waste each others time. Or if they disagreed with an idea of mine…it’s not out of malice, rather just trying to find the best outcome for everyone. That helped a lot with calmly accepting any outcome/truth.
Another thing I’ve done for a while which helps is going into a discussion already expecting the possibility of a negative outcome or that I may not be in the right. When you already know you can be proven wrong, it becomes much easier to talk and learn from someone without the harsh feelings against them.
Above all, I just really value direct honesty. I appreciate those who tell me “I’m not interested” since it shows a level of respect towards your maturity. They trust that you can handle that response accordingly. In return, I show respect by gracefully accepting it and not lashing out at them like many people sadly do.
@parchedone 😊,
I agree.And I think sometimes we confuse being honest with being harsh, when the two don’t have to go together at all. You can tell someone a truth they may not particularly enjoy hearing and still be incredibly kind about it. That’s usually the kind of honesty I respect most.
@anroc 😉,
There’s something rather lovely about taking people at their word, though. I don’t think that makes you a naive fool at all 🫶🏻
And I have to admit, the thought of you patiently waiting for someone who has ghosted you hurt my heart a little. I can see why being neurodivergent would make all the unspoken rules and weird little social games especially frustrating. I’m a pretty firm believer that if you’ve changed your mind about someone, use your words. We’re grown-ups. They’ll survive!
And for the record, if you’re ever waiting six months for a response from me, someone should probably come check on me. 😂❤️
@midwestnoob 🙃,
I think one of the nicest things about getting older is realizing I don’t actually have to “win” every damn conversation. I can be wrong. You can be wrong. We can both be a little wrong and still have a perfectly good time talking about it.
And I’m with you on directness. Give me the mildly uncomfortable truth over making me play detective with your behavior any day. I have other much more interesting hobbies!
@sind 🩷,
I think this is where I’m a little simpler about it. I try to be honest, I try to be kind, and I try not to take responsibility for managing another adult’s feelings about what I’ve said.
I can offer someone respect and compassion, absolutely. But I don’t think every uncomfortable truth needs a little consolation prize attached to it either. Sometimes we’re disappointed. Sometimes our feelings get hurt. That’s part of being human too.
Interesting post 👏🏻
I personally believe the people who get most personally offended by the truth which doesn’t benefit them are the ones that like to decieve with their lies for personal gain.
@mr-french 😊,
I think there’s something to that. Sometimes the people most offended by someone else’s honesty are the ones who’ve gotten very comfortable controlling the story!!!
Although I think self-deception might be even more common. We humans can be remarkably creative when the truth is inconvenient or hits on something painful.
Truth
Sometimes stranger than we believe. Often times stranger than we can believe. 😉
Hurt them with the truth or comfort them with a lie …. both are bad for the ego.
Do it or don’t do it you will regret both 😜@mr-french 😘,
Well shit, those are terrible options. 😂😜
I’m still taking the truth though. My ego has survived MUCH worse things than being disappointed…and at least I don’t have to find out later that you made a fool of me while trying to spare my feelings. 😉🙃😏
@grogman 🙃,
And sometimes the truth is so damn strange nobody would believe you if you told them…those are usually the best stories.😉😘
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