- This topic has 39 replies, 16 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 5 days ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I’m starting to think “just be honest with me” is one of the biggest lies we tell each other.
Everyone LOVES honesty when it sounds like:
“I’m attracted to you.”
“I agree with you.”
“You were right.”
“I want the same thing you do.”
Oh, we’re HUGE fans of honesty then.
But what about:
“I’m not interested.”
“I don’t agree with you.”
“I like you, but I don’t want what you want.”
“You’re attractive, but you’re not my type.”
“I think you were wrong.”
Still a big fan?
Because I think THIS is where it gets interesting.
If someone tells us the truth and our immediate response is to argue, get defensive, demand an explanation, try to change their mind, or punish them for saying it…we didn’t really want honesty.
We wanted the answer we wanted!
And before anyone gets their panties in a twist, honesty isn’t a hall pass to be a jerky face. You can tell the truth without wielding it like a weapon. Kindness and tact still matter.
But if someone is being genuinely honest and not deliberately cruel, can you handle hearing something that bruises your ego? Disappoints you? Challenges you? Can you hear “I’m not interested” without needing to know WHY? Can someone disagree with you without you needing to convince them they’re wrong?
We all SAY we want honesty.
I’m just not entirely convinced we mean it.
XOXO,
Lola May 😘🤓💋🙃
Another thoughtful post full of insight. Thanks for another wonderful contribution.
I completely agree with this. As someone who deeply values honesty and truth, I’ve been on both sides of it. I’ve had people tell me, “You’re too far away” or “You’re not what I’m looking for,” and I accepted it. I’ve also had to say those exact words to someone else. Because I stood firm on what I wanted—and she respected my honesty—we actually ended up becoming friends. I’ve even had to tell people at the pub who tried to buy me drinks that I wasn’t interested, just to keep things transparent.One of the main reasons I left my old job was because of the toxic culture—people talking behind your back while pretending to be your friend. I’d always rather know if someone has a problem with me. That way, I can either fix it or just move on with my life.The truth definitely hurts sometimes, but it’s the only way you can grow as a person. If people can’t handle a polite, honest answer, they need to mature a bit, take it on the chin, and move on. Disappointment never gives anyone the right to be rude.
@gardenman I like this, Paul. And I love that you actually ended up becoming friends with her. I think that’s such a good example of honesty not having to be hurtful or awkward.
And you’re right, disappointment doesn’t give anyone the right to be rude. “You’re not what I’m looking for” might sting a little, but it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Sometimes two people just want different things.
I’d much rather someone be honest with me and let me decide what to do with the truth than try to manage my feelings for me. ❤️
@sooth thank you 🫶🏻
It’s never easy hearing what we don’t want to hear. I know it’s in our nature to want to defend ourselves or get defensive. I’ve been there. As with so many things I like to consider the source
There are people that live a lie and people that lie to live to avoid the truth.
Oh, I absolutely consider the source. There are people who can say something I don’t want to hear and I’ll genuinely think about it…and there are people who could criticize me and accidentally improve my self-esteem. 😉😏😘
And then there are people who lie to themselves so convincingly they should probably get an award for method acting 😉
There’s something deliciously human in what you’ve written and the tension between what we say we want and what we can actually hold without flinching. Honesty sounds noble in theory but the moment it brushes against our ego, desire or our carefully‑constructed fantasies then it stops being a virtue and starts feeling like a bruise.
The truth is, most people don’t crave honesty.
They crave validation dressed up as honesty.What we want is the kind of truth that strokes the skin and not the kind that presses a thumb into a tender spot. We want the version that makes us feel chosen, desired, aligned and not the version that reminds us we’re human enough to be rejected, wrong or simply not someone’s flavour.
But the honesty that stings the most is usually the honesty that reveals who we really are, because hearing “I’m not interested.”, “You’re lovely, but not for me.” or “I don’t want what you want.” requires a kind of emotional nakedness that most people aren’t comfortable with. It kind of asks us to stand there without armour, without performance or without the seductive illusion that we can control how someone feels about us and that’s where it becomes strangely intimate.
There’s a quiet sensuality in truth that doesn’t bend to desire and kind of feels like a raw and unfiltered closeness.
When someone tells you something that disappoints you and you don’t lash out, don’t demand reasons, don’t try to twist their boundaries into a shape that fits yours then you’re showing a depth of self‑possession that’s far more attractive than any curated charm.
Honesty isn’t always soft but it is always revealing.
It shows whether we can hold ourselves steady when someone doesn’t mirror us, stay gracious when our ego wants to flare or let another person be fully themselves even when their truth doesn’t serve our hopes.
Most people want honesty only when it feels good but the ones who can handle the honesty that unsettles them?
These are the ones capable of real connection that’s textured, grown‑up and quietly magnetic.I maybe wrong but I believe that the point this post is searching for is that we don’t need honesty that flatters but we do need honesty that clarifies even when it leaves a mark.
There’s a human being on the other side too. Men have not had women be honest in many cultures. The past 100 years have brought huge strides in women being independent and more outspoken. At the same time we are all human beings. The gender you were born with is just a matter of a small change initiated in the embryo after conception and 1 chromosomal difference. Most embryos are female to begin with. In this fast paced world it’s ok to not be too quick to put someone down.
Since the site doesn’t distinguish between a friend who is a good friend vs a potential partner it’s good to ask or tell them why you are messaging them..
At the same time if you’re non local and reaching out constantly then it’s an internal audit for yourself to change yourself. Being online doesn’t give you permission to forget etiquette.
Triton 💋, “Validation dressed up as honesty” is EXACTLY it.
And I think I understand what you mean about the sensuality of it. There’s something incredibly intimate about that kind of honesty. It’s almost like standing naked in front of someone…no armor, no carefully edited version of yourself, no way to control what they see or how they feel about it. Just, here I am. And there you are.
Maybe that’s part of why honesty can feel so uncomfortable. We say we want to be seen, but being truly seen leaves us awfully exposed.
You got exactly what I was trying to say, my lovely friend. 💋💋💋
@sind 🩷,
Oh, I absolutely agree there’s a human being on the other side. I’m a big believer in being kind, even when what you have to say isn’t particularly kind to hear.
But I think that’s where we sometimes get ourselves tangled up. “Please be honest with me” doesn’t mean “please find the nicest version of the answer I was hoping for.”
Sometimes someone can be thoughtful, respectful and perfectly polite…and the truth still stings like hell. Nobody was cruel. Nobody needs an etiquette lesson. You just got an answer you didn’t want.
THAT’S the honesty I was curious about when I wrote this. Can we let someone tell us their truth without deciding they’ve wronged us simply because we don’t like it? 🫶🏻
It takes strength to be gentle and kind, and even more to be accepting and understanding.
Truth is truth. Thoughts words and actions need to be aligned. Not everyone is going to agree or like one’s truth but at the end of the day we need to be able to live with the results of what we do and how we treat others because it truly is a responsive universe and no act of ours goes without a reaction no matter what it is.
In terms of others it’s hard to know how our actions affect them and what brought them in contact with us.. yes we may give them truth but is there anything else we could give them that might nullify or make them feel better for interacting with us ? Life is short and it’s over in the blink of an eye so we are all learning how to belong and behave in every moment of our lives..
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.