- This topic has 20 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 13 hours, 40 minutes ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Like the title says, I’ve just had a very disturbing experience, in an existential sort of way.
I’ve been on this site for a few years now, progress is slow, men outnumber women like 10 to one at least, I get it, I accept it.
But today I actually got a seemingly positive response from another user here. I introduced myself, spoke as respectfully, politely and straightforward as I can. She was reciprocal, and we had a very in-depth conversation, as easily as I could ever hope for. Honest, direct, clear statements of wants, needs, expectations, and boundaries. Great!
She asks to move the conversation to texting rather than messaging on the site. Going well! Some actual interest and effort toward moving the conversation forward. I’m actually being engaged with. I tend to be very cynical, but I’m actually starting to believe that being able to actually meet somebody with an interest in ANR.
We continue through texting. We share a lot of details, personal stories about our lives, arrive at a point where we agree that we have some basic mutual respect and understanding with one another, and that we would like to meet. Now this time is an important detail: I ask her first where she would like to meet. I do this for one simple reason, I want to establish an atmosphere of trust and safety. It’s my number one priority. If she can pick the place she feels most comfortable with, I’m willing to accommodate 1000%.
“I don’t know, you choose. I like coffee”
Okay that is a little vague, but I’ll choose if I have to. I pick a place I’ve been before in a populated area near ASU, a locally owned coffee shop because I avoid patroning giant corporate chains like Starbucks whenever possible. I send her a link to the coffee shop, and she agrees to meet there, and we set a time.
Halfway there, I get a text that she is there, feels sketchy about the area, feels lost, and is going home.
I pull over to try to call her, straight to voicemail. I text her that I’m sorry that I sent her to a place she wasn’t comfortable, and she can pick any other place in town, and I can be there no problem.
“No, too many horror stories. Big red flag, I wish you well”
Dead line. Texts no longer go through. I turn around and go back home. I check her profile here: deleted.
Now I’m not here to complain that I was rejected, not here to complain that I feel ignored. I’m disturbed that I made somebody feel so unsafe that they blocked me, and deleted their profile in a split second decision. No chance to explain myself, no chance to apologize. I’m very very self conscious of women’s safety and their struggles in dating and being preyed upon by bad actors. I do anything it takes to prove that I only have the best intentions and to gain trust. But this experience has left me feeling truly hopeless. I’m less inclined to believe this was a simple catfishing. Our conversation was too detailed and personal for me to think that I’m just being fucked with. If I’m going to keep causing this sort of fear, I don’t think I can pursue this interest in good faith anymore.
In any case, I hope she is okay, and I hope that she can find what it is she is looking for.
I wouldn’t take it personally. People flake out for all sorts of reasons. Maybe moving beyond the keyboard was just too much for her to deal with and she decided that bagging it was the safest and most comfortable option for her.
I really don’t see how you could have done anything differently, you were respectful, you let her choose the restaurant or coffee shop of her choice, and she chose to throw it back on you, so I’m not sure how you were really going to handle that any differently, she obviously has some issues of meeting people even though it was in public, again that’s not on you you could have 10 other women play your cards exact same way and have very different outcomes most of them I would guess successful, I wouldn’t take it too personally the fact that she deleted her profile immediately tells me she either wasn’t ready, was married, or at the worst case just really likes playing games with you to mess with your mind either way find someone else to talk with, chock it up to experience that this kind of stuff happens not just to you, and realize that you did everything you could sometimes even Max effort just isn’t enough
I agree with the others!
There is this notion that only men do such mean things! Truth is, many humans do such weird things like what happened to you. Absent reasons given, one is left with speculating what THE reason was/is. Some are legit and some are not! (The worst reasons are what I call “because the sun rises in the East” – the classic causation vs correlation conundrum! It is MORE prevalent than one may have noticed. It is more common than white lies!)
IF you are sure, in YOUR conscience, that you did nothing wrong: just sleep on it, forget about it (say that NY style!) and try again!
Look at it this way – you may have dodged a bullet, so to speak! Thank your stars and keep truckin’!!! (I know it might be easier said than done BUT just do it!!)
Thanks guys. Yeah I came home and took a nap, had a think. She really just must have changed her mind, came up with an excuse, and bailed on me.
Bullet dodged. Moving forward I guess.
Way to go, man!
Please allow me to leave you with this sobering/sad fact: for as many people that talk about ABF/ANR, there is a miniscule in an ANR and almost as low that have experienced ABF. It IS work for both parties – which I think is one of the main reasons for the low numbers and there are misconceptions and some legitimate blockers.
That said, I do wish that the stars and planets line up for you!
ALSO, particularly since you don’t have the real reason, just give her the benefit of the doubt and (I think you stated this –>) wish her well!
Remember that famous “friends come and go but enemies are cumulative” saying? When things turn sour in a relationship/date, the best you can have is for things to be reset to the state that it was in before your first encounter!
It’s work in the same way that any relationship, be that a friendship, family, romantic partners, etc requires work. You have to make time for your partner. You have to follow through on what you say. You need to be honest.
In any case, I think the crux of what I was trying to say in my main post is that I’m terrified that I actually caused any harm to somebody else, in service of me trying to fulfill some need in myself, if that makes any sense. My natural instinct is to place blame in myself, and feel some shame in acting selfishly somehow. I also don’t want to shirk off the fact that this woman didn’t feel safe, and I think it’s important to believe women when they feel that way and respect their boundaries.
But yes, as it’s been said, I did everything I could and I truly believe that I didn’t do anything wrong.
“I also don’t want to shirk off the fact that this woman didn’t feel safe, and I think it’s important to believe women when they feel that way and respect their boundaries.”
You nailed it on the head – I tip my hats off to you! You are very wise – what people feel are real to them IMMATERIAL if you were or were not the cause! (I know you would have liked to know the reason but we are just human – most of all of us at some point encounter situations and we can’t explain/understand the cause for the reaction!)
So noble that you don’t play the victim game – that gets soooo old!!!!
So.. as someone who met their abf partner (just ended after more than a decade) on one of these sites – hang in there, we’re out there and it does happen. You just need to be diligent.
Take it as a learning experience in the world of online dating , sounds like she wasnt ready to meet in person , keep ur chin up and keep looking simon 👍
I’ll just say disappointing experience. People change their mind at last minute. Could be many different reasons. Just move on and hope next one will be better.
It needs a patience to find a right partner.
Good luck.You didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t think she ever actually went to the place. If you are “friends” on this app, you can video chat. I now require a video chat within the first week of communication and a meet & greet at a public location within the first two weeks. Some people are on here because of curiosity but never actually go through with meeting. People are really lonely out there and just like having someone to talk to. But, I’m not on here just to chat with people. I need to see that they can make a plan and follow through and that they are the person in their pics before I will invest any time getting to know them. So, a scheduled video chat within the first week. I get to see that they are who they say they are and are seriously interested in nursing. And, because it is through this app, no personal information needs to be exchanged. As a woman, I appreciate that you value our safety. Don’t give up. Men do it to us, too.
It’s not you. You would not believe the stories I have that are equally, if not more baffling!!! Like the guy I was supposed to meet, he was driving three hours, but because he was coming through my area. He was several hours from me for a meeting with his Manager, that was also a good friend & they were going out the night before. He flat out doesn’t show up! I text, no response, I text again, no response, a bit concerned because of the drive, so I call, it goes straight to VM. So I pretty well know I’ve been ghosted. NBD, 4-5 months later he messages me a super, long apologetic message. Said he was about 30 minutes from where we were supposed to meet. He pulled in to get gas, went inside to pay for it, came back to his vehicle, looked in the back & realized his company issued laptop, computer bag, all of his work related information was stolen as well as his cell phone. He said he almost lost his job over all of it being stolen. I asked him why he didn’t contact me when the dust settled after it happened or anytime before 4-5 months passed, he said he had been too stressed out. I told him I wasn’t interested & wished him well.
Whatever happened, he didn’t tell me the truth. I suspect he & his Manager went out & got drunk & he was too hungover. He had previously told me how they were great friends & he liked working for him because they went out a lot too.Then there was the guy from NY State, we had chatted for quite sometime. He then said he was making a trip with a Buddy to my area (Bike Trip)& would like to meet. We planned a day to meet, kept in touch during his trip down & around the area. They were staying about 25 minutes from where I live. We messaged the night before, everything was on. We were supposed to connect the next day, totally ghosted, never heard from him again!
What I don’t understand is how people can lie & do so with what appears to be no conscience, no qualm whatsoever! Anyway, they have to live with it, not me!
It’s not you, it’s her. If she was even legit. I only text on Messaging Apps, I do not give my Phone number to people I’ve not met & I only agree to meet them after Video Chatting with them also.
You would not believe the stories I have that are equally, if not more baffling!!! Like the guy I was supposed to meet, he was driving three hours, but because he was coming through my area. He was several hours from me for a meeting with his Manager, that was also a good friend & they were going out the night before. He flat out doesn’t show up! I text, no response, I text again, no response, a bit concerned because of the drive, so I call, it goes straight to VM. So I pretty well know I’ve been ghosted. NBD, 4-5 months later he messages me a super, long apologetic message. Said he was about 30 minutes from where we were supposed to meet. He pulled in to get gas, went inside to pay for it, came back to his vehicle, looked in the back & realized his company issued laptop, computer bag, all of his work related information was stolen as well as his cell phone. He said he almost lost his job over all of it being stolen. I asked him why he didn’t contact me when the dust settled after it happened or anytime before 4-5 months passed, he said he had been too stressed out. I told him I wasn’t interested & wished him well.
Whatever happened, he didn’t tell me the truth. I suspect he & his Manager went out & got drunk & he was too hungover. He had previously told me how they were great friends & he liked working for him because they went out a lot too.Then there was the guy from NY State, we had chatted for quite sometime. He then said he was making a trip with a Buddy to my area (Bike Trip)& would like to meet. We planned a day to meet, kept in touch during his trip down & around the area. They were staying about 25 minutes from where I live. We messaged the night before, everything was on. We were supposed to connect the next day, totally ghosted, never heard from him again!
What I don’t understand is how people can lie & do so with what appears to be no conscience, no qualm whatsoever! Anyway, they have to live with it, not me!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.