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And what exactly do you think we’re doing here @matureazmalelatch?
We’re sharing real examples, discussing why they’re inappropriate, and giving people an opportunity to learn from them. We’re even sharing examples of introductions that actually WORK. That sounds remarkably like modeling and teaching to me.
The only difference seems to be that you’d prefer the conversation packaged into a tidy little educational guide rather than women having it openly, in their own words, with a little humor thrown in.
And since you’ve brought up family, I’ll say this: in a healthy family, people are allowed to speak up when something makes them uncomfortable. They don’t have to make their experiences more palatable before they’re permitted to discuss them.
I rather like the idea of this community being a family. But family doesn’t mean everyone has to sit quietly and smile to keep the peace.
And frankly, I think we’re all perfectly capable of learning something without being assigned homework and rewarded with little gold stars for completing it. 😂
You’re welcome to disagree with my approach. But I’m not going to apologize for starting a conversation that we all clearly have quite a lot to say about. 🫶🏻
Oh @tjrforanr, I’ve wandered through those comment sections! 😳 Some of them are more entertaining than the puzzles themselves, although occasionally for all the wrong reasons.
But you make a good point. How someone behaves when they think they’re just another voice in the crowd can tell you quite a bit about them. And I do enjoy a little flirting, but there’s a difference between appreciating a beautiful woman and behaving like you’ve never seen one before!
Haha the instagram guy reminded me of the Seinfeld episode where Costanza wanted to eat a pastrami sandwich while having sex, combining his two favorite pleasures. 😁
I don’t mind giving a little guidance on how to write an introductory message, but I certainly don’t want to teach a creeper how to trick me into thinking he’s someone he’s not. I say let them fly their freak flag and I’ll decide if it’s a good fit or not. Maybe they’ll eventually find their match?
I thought this was a great forum post, and feel quite pleased to read some of our shared experiences, and even more pleased at some of the ones I’ve missed out on. 😂
Why the hell would we want to teach men how they should pretend to be acceptable in our inboxes? Sharing the kind of messages we already get should be lesson enough and if not, then the messages give us a fair idea of who to avoid.
It’s a man’s responsibility to find out how to act appropriately, not a woman’s to have to teach him!!
It is amazing how many old white men are so against having much needed discussions like this. Their bruised egos are too much for them and all the women are expected to tip toe around them. Thank you everyone for sharing and normalizing the discussion, and for providing examples of what should not be normalized on this site. It is a learning opportunity for all, even if one is ashamed of a message they sent themselves and now do not want to be “shamed” for it
Nikki,
When anyone asks for your “fluid levels,” try replying like this:
Antifreeze is topped off. Transmission is clear red. Oil could use a quart. And I need a complete windshield washer fill.
Professionally (i promise to switch off teacher mode in a sec) I perfectly understand what @matureazmalelatch is saying. Modelling good examples is an evidence based very efficient way to make changes. More effective than marking mistakes, because people will remember the things you dont want them to do andthey will keep doing the same. So yes! Hear hear! Good thinking!!
Switchi g thoff the scientific mode, i am having a good chuckle at a lot of the stories. I gues i am very common: hitting the articles on accidents an disaster first, before reading the real news. People are sensationseekers. And naughty too. We dont always feel like behaving. Which to me, as a teacher, is paying my bills.
But @matureazmalelatch and @showerthoughts are right: it would be nice to have some good examples too.
One thing we know that grown adults don’t really change if something is intrinsic to their nature.
“A leopard doesn’t change its spots.” “You can drag a horse to the water but you can’t make it drink.”
So in that sense we have to figure out if what we’re modeling is actually going to make a difference in how people behave if one kind of behavior is actually producing some results whether productive or not. For eg a response from a woman vs. just a read on the message..
I don’t know enough about pedagogy but do some modeling behaviors in a society depend on how others in the same society behave? How do we get social cues from others when we are mostly self absorbed or phone focused..?
For eg you are taxing to the gate after landing and most passengers are patient but then some start opening their seat belts early and then you see a whole bunch of other people follow and then others start getting their suitcases and standing up .. now you understand the rest of the scenario I am describing .. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Yes i did. And the funny thing is: he did the same: from hell no (we even blocked each other) to hello.
Rumina, I love that you put your teacher hat on to explain the science and then promptly admitted you go straight for the disaster stories yourself! I think that says quite a lot about human nature. We don’t always want to be sensible or well-behaved!
And I agree that positive examples have value. I’ve encouraged people to share their good experiences from the beginning, too. They’ve just been few and far between!
But here’s what I find interesting. Why do conversations about women’s experiences so often end up becoming conversations about how we can better educate men?
Sometimes we’re sharing something outrageous simply because it’s OUTRAGEOUS! We’re laughing, comparing experiences, commiserating, or just enjoying a little scandal. Why must every conversation have an educational objective, particularly one that benefits men?
I’d love to hear more about the men who get it right. Absolutely! But I also think women deserve to have conversations that exist purely for our own amusement, connection, or curiosity, without being handed the responsibility of improving anybody else’s behavior.
And Rumina, let’s face it, if everyone suddenly started behaving themselves, you’d be out of a job! 😉🩷
Sparkling, your airplane example is such a good one! It only takes one impatient person standing up before everyone else suddenly decides the seatbelt sign is merely a suggestion!
I do disagree about adults not changing, though. I think people can change, but they have to actually WANT to. And you’re right that the behavior they’re seeing around them, along with whatever results they’re getting, can certainly influence that.
Which makes me wonder how much of what we’re seeing here is simply people repeating behavior that’s worked for them somewhere else. If sending 100 ridiculous messages gets one response, perhaps that’s all the encouragement some people need!
I think we can encourage better behavior and celebrate it when we see it. I just don’t think women should have to become the unpaid faculty of the School of How to Talk to Women. It’s not our job! 🫶🏻
As far as good examples go, here’s one of my favorites:
Hello, I’m (name redacted)… Just thought I’d say hello since we aren’t too far apart. Thought I’d reach out and see if you were interested in having a conversation. I’m 50, 6’1″ and 220 lbs. Green eyes and short brown hair. 🙂 Hope to hear from you.
Why I like it:
It’s straight forward, includes his stats, no pressure, and friendly. His profile had a real picture as well, which is a green flag for me.
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