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@sind 🌸
Oh goodness, I’m certainly not jumping down your throat. 🫶🏻
And no, I don’t think you need to analyze every experience and decide which little box it belongs in. That sounds exhausting! If thinking about whether you’re being B, D, S or anything else pulls you out of the moment, then I’d say forget the damn letters and enjoy yourself.
I like talking about all of this because I find the psychology and the different dynamics interesting, not because I think everything needs a label.
Sometimes a label helps you understand something about yourself. Sometimes it’s just a label.
And sometimes you should probably just get out of your head and have a really good time. 😉🩷🫶🏻
GURL. 😂❤️ I had a feeling this topic might bring a few of us out of the woodwork.
And now you’ve REALLY got my attention because you’ve actually incorporated the two and loved it. 🤭
I’m curious about something you can probably answer here without giving away all your secrets.Did adding BDSM change the way ABF felt for you emotionally or mentally? Or was it more that ABF just fit naturally into a dynamic you already had?
And yes, I’ll probably still take you up on that DM because now I have all the questions. 😂🫶🏻🤓
@mr-french 😉😘
Well Mr. French, I’m beginning to think you may have practiced a little more BDSM than you realized!
And I actually LOVE your question about whether a submissive woman becomes dominant while breastfeeding her dominant partner. I don’t necessarily think she does. I think that’s where this gets really interesting. Maybe the roles don’t have to reverse at all just because the person giving or receiving changes. Or maybe for that particular moment, the power shifts completely. I suspect it depends entirely on the two people.
That fluidity is probably one of the things I find most appealing. I don’t particularly want everything neatly labeled while it’s happening. Sometimes I want to know exactly who has the reins, and sometimes I think it would be much more fun to realize they changed hands somewhere along the way. 🤭
And as for that last little paragraph of yours, Mr. French, I see what you did there. 😘💋🤓
So funny enough ABF was def the gateway to kink for me. And thru ABFbecause of a partner I had i found my way to FLR.
In my personal experience in trying to find a partner here (the one I had was found on a diff site) and the grand majority do not want to invest emotionally so when I discovered kink I realized I could have it all lol.
I don’t think I can answer more here but as I said feel free to DM and we can discuss and talk further.I’m sure you will figure out where on the spectrum I fall lol. I also think strictly ABF lends itself more where the woman would be the non-submissive when engaged in that role. But that is just my personal opinion.
There you are! I KNEW this topic wasn’t getting past you without an opinion.😉
And clearly you’ve spent enough time in the BDSM world to have seen the good, the bad and probably some VERY questionable decision making. 🤭
So I actually want your take on something. What separates a genuinely good Dom from someone who just really likes being in charge? Because I think those are two VERY different things, and I suspect you’ve encountered plenty of both.
Also, I’m not remotely surprised that your contribution began with “take me to a dungeon.” 😂 Somehow that feels exactly right. 🫶🏻
Okay, ABF being your gateway into kink and then somehow leading you to FLR has DEFINITELY made me curious.
And I think you’re right that there’s something about ABF that can naturally put the woman in a position of power, although I don’t necessarily think that makes her dominant. That’s part of what I find so interesting about it. The power can move around.
But I’ll behave and stop asking you to tell all your business in public.
And that little “I’m sure you’ll figure out where on the spectrum I fall” absolutely made me laugh.
And, I intend to. 🤓🩷
Well absolutely there are differences between a good strong Dom and a dom who likes to be in charge.
A good Dom knows the full respect and responsibility of being a leader.
A Dom who exerts his control in such a non meaningful way may lack the expertise but will still have high expectations from his sub.Hope this helps Lola May xx
@lolamayi12345 Yes, I believe the Dom holds most of the power after it is willingly given up by the sub. The sub still retains some degree of power, how much varies by situation. The sub should always feel comfortable taking back the power by invoking a safeword. The Dom is entrusted to hold the power given up by the sub. At that point the Dom is tasked with pushing the sub’s limits. Often well beyond what the sub thought their limits were. Kind of like the boiling a frog metaphor. If you throw a frog in a pot of hot water, it’s going to jump out. If you instead put the frog in a pot of cool water and slowly increase the heat, the frog doesn’t notice. Same with D/s relationships. Push the sub’s limits slowly with after care and pulling back occasionally, eventually those limits will be reached and possibly pushed beyond the limit the sub had in mind. The Dom and sub will both be better for it. The Dom gets to feel a sense of accomplishment by bending the will of the sub and the sub gets to feel how much the Dom cares for them and has helped them “expand their horizons” so to speak. As far as incorporating ABF into a D/s relationship, I think it’s like anything else, it depends on the relationship. You could have a Dom and sub who keep the two completely separate, like they do their lives outside the relationship. You could have a Dom and sub who use ABF as part of pushing limits. Maybe the Dom is the male and “forces” the sub to lactate. Maybe the Dom is the female and “forces” the sub to drink from her. As far as the B,S, and M parts, oh I can think of lots of ways to incorporate lactation with those lol. Like others have said, a D/s relationship and an ANR both involve a level of care, so I don’t think they are that different. Both take time, commitment, and trust.
Definitely align with not yucking anyone else’s yum. Whatever you like, that’s not for me to judge.
In regards to BDSM though, have to admit I’m extremely ignorant. I used to think it’s pretty much just being whipped and gagged and all about one person loving pain and another loving to inflict it. Wasn’t until recently that I got to know a couple people who kindly and gently told me I was dumb af basically lol. They didn’t go into a ton of detail but educated me a little on the subject and that there’s waaaaay more to it than just pain and it has levels and dynamics unique to everyone.
I’m still pretty ignorant tbh but in relation to ABF, I def see it mixing well. From what I’ve learned of bdsm (and please forgive and correct me if I say anything wrong) I view it as giving and taking “control”. A sub allowing their dom to have “ownership” if you will…over a certain aspect of them. Maybe even only in certain times. That dom will dictate what the sub can and can’t do and in return, they properly take care of the subs needs and soothe their worries. At least that’s a big part of how I view bdsm from pure curious research into it (so clearly a lot of room for error lol).
As for how it would tie with ABF: I think there’s certainly many different ways but one way I think might be enjoyable is essentially edging the suckling. If the woman is the dom, not letting her sub get close to her boobs until she feels he’s earned it for example, showing him her chest but not letting him touch, allowing a massage but not to suck, letting him suck but he can’t use his hands, etc. All just examples and they can last however long she wants – could be hours could be days lol. Or if he’s the dom: maybe something like having her sit, boobs out and waiting but not nursing, if she’s lactating – delaying suckling a little (though this sounds painful and mean if done too long lol), focusing on one boob and not the other, etc…maybe? Just a few ideas on the spot but I’m sure you have way better ones lol. Would love to hear your opinions on the matter. And this is just one way that I would enjoy it I think. It can obviously get into more intense dynamics like degrading or inflicting pain and stuff like that. Or the hucow dynamic that someone mentioned in another forum.
Just a couple thoughts from a newbie but I definitely think ABF and BDSM can mingle comfortably and it being a wonderful experience. Once again, sorry if I said anything dumb or incorrect.
@midwestnoob 🤗🤓😘
First of all, I’m dying at “kindly and gently told me I was dumb af.” 😂 But I actually love that you listened instead of getting defensive and decided maybe there was more to it than you thought. And for someone who keeps insisting he knows nothing about BDSM, you’re doing suspiciously well here. 🤭
I do think control and surrender are part of what appeals to me, but the CHOICE is what makes it interesting. I can give someone control precisely because it belongs to me in the first place. And if I choose to surrender it to someone I trust, there can be something incredibly freeing about that.
But I also really like the opposite side of it. 🤭 I don’t necessarily want power permanently assigned to one person. Being able to move between the two, and having someone who can move with you, is far more interesting to me.
And YES to anticipation. You definitely stumbled into something there. The mental side can be incredibly powerful🧠❤️💥 Sometimes knowing you could have what you want, but someone else has decided you have to wait, is the whole damn point.
The caretaking piece matters to me too. Dominance without care, awareness and responsibility doesn’t hold much appeal for me. If someone is going to be trusted with another person’s vulnerability, what they DO with that trust tells me far more than the title they give themselves.
So no, I don’t think you said anything dumb.
I DO think it’s hilarious that you began this comment apologizing for being a complete BDSM newbie and ended it having apparently given considerable thought to exactly how you’d incorporate it into ABF.🤓
I’m starting to think those friends of yours may have unlocked something. 🔥🔥🔥
It does… But you know me, one answer usually just gives me another question.
You’ve been around this world enough to have seen plenty of men call themselves Doms. I’m curious how quickly you can tell who actually understands what that means and who just enjoys the title. I’ve always thought real confidence is usually a lot quieter than the person constantly reminding everyone he/she is in charge. 🤭
So what gives it away for you? What makes you look at another person and think, “Yep, HE/SHE gets it.”
I have a feeling you’ve got stories. 😂🫶🏻
@sirise92 😉🤓
Okay Bill, I’m with you on a LOT of this, but you hit one little spot where my brain immediately went, “Wait a minute.” 🤯
I completely understand the appeal of trusting someone enough to let them take you further than you might have gone on your own. There’s something pretty powerful about that.
But I think there’s a difference between discovering that one of my limits can move and someone deciding to move it FOR me.
If I tell you, “I’m nervous about this, but I want you to push me,” that’s one thing.
If I tell you, “This is where I stop,” I need you to believe me.
And weirdly, I think knowing when NOT to push might tell me more about a Dom than knowing how far he can take someone. Restraint is its own kind of power.
Which brings me to your poor frog. 😂 I understand what you were getting at, but I’m not sure I want to discover three months later that some clever man has been slowly turning up the temperature while I wasn’t looking. That frog and I may both be making a run for it!
I do agree with you that ABF could fit into a D/s relationship in a hundred different ways, or not be part of the power dynamic at all. That’s probably what I’m enjoying most about this whole conversation. There really isn’t one right way for these things to intersect.
But I’m curious about the first part now. Where do YOU draw the line between a Dom helping a sub explore a limit and a Dom deciding he knows her limit better than she does? 😘
Exactly! That’s what has turned me off on it for so many years because I never related pain to pleasure, nor did I want to cause anyone pain. And I’m realizing now how expansive is in the world of BDSM, and that’s what I’m beginning to like about is the trust and vulnerability to the partner!
I’d be very curious to see how we can weave this new world into the world of ANR/ABF and how we can provide pleasure and comfort to our partners
Well you know me, I’ve always got a few good stories.
Don’t Yuck my yum though.
I’m good.
Well sometimes lolWhat a great topic! I’m relatively new to the ANR/ABF community but I’ve been involved in the BDSM community for a while, and when I came here to ABF Heaven I think I was kind of approaching it from that kink community perspective and comparing the two. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that most people I’ve come across here seem to view ANR/ABF more as a lifestyle and less as a kink.
Not that there’s anything wrong with kink! But in my mind, ANR isn’t really a kink, of course there’s still a nice spectrum to explore.
I’m also really intrigued by what was said about BDSM healing someone because I have definitely said that exact thing before about BDSM healing me, and somehow I had no idea this was a thing that others have experienced so now I feel like I have to do some reading on that particular topic.
I do like the idea of having aspects of both BDSM and ANR with a trusted partner.
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