Don’t Yuck My Yum 🤭

[M]

That’s a vast topic, giving a Dominant perspective : first dominance comes from the position of care and responsibility not a certificate to be bully to your sub and control is earned (and given) not automatically comes.

Bdsm or hucow kink first thing first is consent and respect is mutual. A D/s starts with subs needs and it’s a power sharing dynamic where one give (with consent) power to other but don’t mislead by it as power sharing is equal as both can stop a scene or dynamic at any time. Another most important factor is what is agreed to, subs totally have right to define their limits and boundaries and they can and should negotiate them or in a scene. These must be respected and practice so calling names in or out of a scene (normally negotiate at start pet names or sub names) so the protocols. Bdsm is a philosophy which is way more mental than sexual or physical and it’s start with subs needs and growth if no growth it just end up in mess and broken subs. Stay safe all

[Paul]

I’d say the build-up. There’s something powerful about the phrase ‘all good things come to those who wait.’ It forces you to focus, stretches out the desire, and makes the final outcome feel way more exciting.

[Rumina]

Hi Lola,
Thank you so much for your post! I am absolutely with you on not dismissing somebody else’s preferences.
Surprises me in a community that also has to deal with similar predjudices.

This particular paragraph you wrote says a lot:
Nurturing can contain power. Dominance can be incredibly tender. Submission can be deliberate and powerful. Caretaking can be part of the kink. Roles can shift, overlap, reverse, or change completely depending on the moment.
Its the mind game thats interesting and deepening it. Cant be done without trust and respect.
Really takes two strong minded people.

[Bill]

I think one of the big misconceptions about D/s is that the Dom has the power. In a true D/s relationship, the sub has to give up control. So, the power really lies with the sub. If the sub doesn’t give up control and the Dom takes it by force, that’s just someone being an abusive asshole.

[Nipnibbler2025]

“”

[Lola May]

@jay349 🙃

Okay, THIS is exactly why I asked the question. I love hearing how people actually blend the two rather than just talking about whether they theoretically can.

The controlled timing is especially interesting to me. Taking something associated with comfort and satisfaction and adding anticipation, rules and a little denial completely changes the energy of it, and I can absolutely see the appeal. 😏

And yes to boundaries. That trust is what gives you the freedom to play in the first place.

Now I want to know…did BDSM naturally start creeping into your ABF dynamic, or were you two already kinky and eventually thought, “Welllll, why aren’t we combining these?” 🤓

[Lola May]

@starbust 😊

THIS! The distinction between wanting control and being someone another person actually trusts with it is huge for me.

I think people sometimes misunderstand submission as simply giving up power, when there’s actually an enormous amount of agency in choosing who gets it, how much they get, and where the boundaries are. And to me, that makes the responsibility on the other side even greater.

Anyone can call themselves a Dominant. Being someone another person feels safe enough to surrender to is an entirely different thing. 🤭

I’m curious from your side though…do you find that the deeper the trust becomes, the MORE careful you become with the power you’ve been given? 🤓

[Lola May]

@dairydaisy 🩷

YES! I really loved that you said it takes two strong minded people because I think that’s exactly right. Submission gets confused with weakness far too often, when there can actually be an incredible amount of strength and intention behind choosing to give someone that kind of trust.

And the mental part is HUGE for me. The anticipation, the trust, knowing someone well enough to play with control and vulnerability while still feeling completely safe with them. That’s where it gets really interesting.🤓🙃

I’m curious though. Do you think that side of BDSM would deepen ABF for you personally, or do you think ABF would actually bring out a different side of your kink?🩷🫶🏻

[Lola May]

@sirise92 🙃

YES. I think the distinction between power being taken and power being given is incredibly important.

I’m not sure I’d go quite as far as saying the power ultimately lies with the sub though. To me, the interesting part is that both people have agency, but they’re choosing to use it very differently. One chooses to surrender some degree of control and the other is trusted to hold it. Neither choice means either person has somehow become powerless.

And honestly, I think that’s what makes D/s interesting in the first place. If I don’t have the ability to choose what I’m giving you, then surrender doesn’t mean very much.

I’m curious though. Do you see the sub as ultimately holding the power throughout the dynamic, or is the whole appeal that once that power has been willingly given, it genuinely belongs to the Dom within the boundaries you’ve agreed upon? 😉

[Lola May]

@gardenman 🌺🌷🌻

Ahhh, so it’s really the anticipation for you. I get that😉 There’s something about having to wait for something you really want that makes you FAR more aware of wanting it in the first place.

And I think that’s where the mental side of BDSM gets so interesting. Sometimes very little has to actually happen because half the fun has already happened in your head.

So now I’m curious, Paul. Is the anticipation just as much fun if YOU are the one making someone else wait, or is being made to wait part of what does it for you?🤓😉

[Bobbi]

I believe that two people who have a true bond can make anything work and introduce their desires to each other gently and gradually learn what each other desires and turns them on. BDSM is not all about pain and degradation and while some people appreciate that aspect I say whatever floats your boat I NEVER judge anyone because i myself am into different things and yes BDSM can absolutely be paired with ANR. Its an AMAZING addition.

[Rumina]

@lolamayi12345

I dont think of abf or a dom/sub dynamic as a kink so much. Its more of a lifestyle. A way of being. So not two different things.
On here its often said nursing should be more widely known and understood because its so natural. Its the same with a dynamic between two people. Its not a game, not incidental. Its a build up in tension and trust and understanding, like i think it should be in any kind of relationship. It all depends on the dynamic between two specific people. Thats why to me its long term. I couldnt build such trust with a lot of different people, nor would i want to.
Yes it takes two strong minded people. Its no coincidence many subs ( male and female) are people with loads of responsibilities in their daily life workwise.

[James]

@lolamayi12345 It was actually the ABF element that we added to our slightly kinky relationship. Breast play was always a part but once we decided to try and induce it was a natural progression.

[Nipnibbler2025]

Having sb else take the lead sometimes. Not a doormat, but a strong suggestion would be appreciated from time to time.

[John]

Thanks for sharing this Lola May. I am new to a lot of this so it is great that you took precious time out of your day to share your own thoughts and experience.

[Author]

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