Okay…what are YOU bringing to the table? 👀

[Creamandcoffee]

I’ve been thinking about this one.

If one person is pumping, losing sleep, taking supplements, dealing with soreness, rearranging schedules, trying not to throw the pump across the room, and basically running a tiny dairy operation out of her bra…what exactly is the other person bringing to this ANR/ABF situation? 😂

Because sometimes I hear

“I’ll massage you.”
“I’ll make sure you’re comfortable.”
“I’m a great suckler.”

And I’m like…okayyy. 😂 Those are lovely qualifications, but is that the whole benefits package?

And no, I’m not automatically talking about money or buying things. I mean effort. Reliability. Emotional support. Friendship. Romance if that’s your dynamic. Making her laugh. Actually caring about how she’s doing. Being someone she genuinely enjoys sharing all of this with.

Basically, if one person is putting in all that physical AND mental work…what does mutual effort actually look like on the other side? 👀

Because “I suck really good” may get your resume looked at, but respectfully…what else you got? 😏

Providers, receivers, dry nursing, lactating, romantic, platonic everybody can answer.

Let’s see who gets a little upsetty spaghetti over this one. 🍝😂

[John]

I don’t know if I suck good at all. But what you are doing is nothing short of amazing. You deserve to be celebrated. You are putting in 99.8% of the effort. All of the upsetty spaghetti guys think that all they have to do is say the right thing and show up. But they have to recognize the incredible effort you have put in. That you run into frustration, exhaustion, second guessing your choices, and a whole host of other things you are thinking about, really feeling, and that doesn’t include the physical aspects of running a whole dairy operation. So from where I stand, I am here to give the dairy supplier everything she needs mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just my $0.02

[Creamandcoffee]

John…
I do agree that recognizing the physical and mental effort matters. That’s really what I was curious about with this post! what mutual effort looks like from the other side beyond just showing up to nurse.

[Yogi]

I think this is an excellent question. “Upsetty spaghetti” and I’ve got my popcorn and am watching….

[John]

I get people just showing up to nurse, breast play, or something sexual if that is agreed to by both parties as a one off occasion. I would think that is perfectly acceptable. But if the goal by both people is something like ANR, both people have to put in some sort of effort. Otherwise there is no “r”. But I truly believe that both people have to be upfront about what they are looking for, and what their expectations and needs are. And if people are not willing to meet or work towards those needs, they just need to continue looking for the next person.

And what kind of popcorn are we eating @yogisoul?

[Creamandcoffee]

Yogi…
😂😂 Girl, SAME. I asked the question and now I’m just waiting to see who starts seasoning the upsetty spaghetti. 🍝🍿

[LatchOn15]

I think support goes beyond just the act of nursing, there is emotional support needed as you try to induce. It’s not easy to commit and stay motivated to a pumping schedule. There is also the ups and downs of progress, it just doesn’t immediately happen either. There is also support needed for supplements, supplies and pumping equipment too. And whatever else she may need. With inducing there is a true partnership that goes beyond just nursing time. So when you do, do this you have to fully understand what kind of partner do you want and the same goes on the other side, what kind of partner do you want to be and fully commit to it.

[Creamandcoffee]

Latchon…
Yes! This is exactly the kind of answer I was hoping people would think about. It really is bigger than just the nursing itself, especially when induction is involved. I love the way you put it about asking not only what kind of partner you want, but what kind of partner you want to BE. 👏🏽

[Yogi]

@John and @CreamandCoffe…I am partial to a sprinkle of cheddar cheese on popcorn. @latchon15, well said.

[LK]

More and more I feel there’s a huge imbalance and a sort of ignorance coming from a lot of men who don’t appreciate or realize how much work lactation takes! I’m so down to do it but I would need a lot of emotional support to make it happen.

[Creamandcoffee]

@lkr93d
Yes!! That imbalance is exactly what I was thinking about. Wanting to do it doesn’t mean the work suddenly feels easy, and emotional support can make such a huge difference when you’re trying to stay motivated through all the ups and downs.

[Creamandcoffee]

@yogisoul
😂 Yesss, cheddar popcorn is bomb. But zebra popcorn with the chocolate drizzle?? Ooooh, now we’re talking. 😭🍿

[Lola May]

I think this starts with being VERY clear about what Y-O-U want.

There isn’t one right answer for what the other person should bring to the table. Maybe you want romance and emotional support. Maybe you want friendship, consistency and someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with. Maybe you just want a great nursing partner who makes you laugh. It’s YOUR time, YOUR body and YOUR effort, so you get to decide what makes it worthwhile for you.

But you have to SAY it!

That’s the whole getting to know you part. I tell you what I want, you tell me what you want, we ask questions, spend some time talking and figure out whether we’re actually a fit. Nobody is going to magically know what you need, and you’re not going to know from a profile whether they’re capable of giving it to you.

And I think women in particular are sometimes far too worried about asking for too much. To be clear, that’s not me, but I do see it a lot. Don’t make yourself smaller or easier to accommodate just to keep someone interested. If what you want sends someone running, GREAT!! You just weeded out someone who wasn’t going to work anyway.

Mutual effort doesn’t have to mean matching each other tit for tat. It just needs to feel mutual to the two people actually involved.

And if you’re running a tiny dairy operation out of your bra while quietly wishing the other person brought more to your life…say so. That seems like a much better place to start than hoping they eventually figure it out.

[Creamandcoffee]

@lolamayi12345
😂 Oh trust me, I’m VERY clear about what I want. This wasn’t me quietly hoping somebody would figure out my needs or wondering whether I’m asking for too much.

My question was more general we talk a lot about what the provider brings physically, so I wanted to flip it and ask what people think they bring to the dynamic beyond nursing.

And yes, communication matters, but I also think there’s a difference between telling someone exactly what you need and seeing what they naturally believe partnership should look like without being handed the answer first. 👀

Also, tiny correction before somebody starts expecting milk deliveries 😂 the dairy operation is still under construction over here. I’m inducing, not lactating yet.

[Grogman 🍑🚀💙]

A pinch of salt and butter. Anything else is heresy.
Heresy I say!!😜

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