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1. One person wants connection; the other wants connection. One person wants it daily, the other person wants it daily. One person is willing to travel, the other person wants to host.
She will find a problem. It won’t happen. It doesn’t matter what you do or say once she’s said no, it’s a no.2. It requires consistency, and modern dating is allergic to consistency.
People ghost faster than they commit.3. One person sees it as intimacy; the other sees it as effort.
Effort loses every time.4. It demands emotional presence, and most people are emotionally on low battery.
You can’t work with 3% effort.5. It needs trust, but dating apps breed suspicion.
Everyone assumes everyone else is lying.6. It requires calm, but everyone is stressed, tired, and half‑burnt out.
Calm is a luxury. Long silence constant bombardment. Feast or Famine.7. One person wants depth; the other wants simplicity.
Depth scares people who haven’t done their emotional homework.8. It needs time, and nobody has time.
Or they do, but they won’t give it.9. It needs vulnerability, and vulnerability is terrifying.
People would rather send memes.10. It needs reliability, and reliability is rare.
People cancel plans like it’s a gym session.11. One person wants daily; the other wants “when I feel like it; I have a schedule”
Mismatch kills everything.12. It requires mutual emotional bandwidth, and bandwidth is uneven.
One person always ends up carrying the dynamic.13. It needs stability, but modern dating is chaos.
You can’t build rituals in a storm.14. It needs two people who want the same thing at the same time.
Timing ruins more relationships than incompatibility.15. It needs emotional safety, and most people don’t know how to create that.
Or they think they do, but they don’t.16. It needs patience, and patience is extinct.
Everyone wants instant gratification.17. It needs communication, and communication is terrible.
People text like they’re allergic to clarity.18. It needs reciprocity, and reciprocity is rare.
One‑sided dynamics collapse.19. It needs emotional maturity, and maturity varies wildly.
You can’t build something delicate with someone who shuts down.20. It needs two people who genuinely want to show up not just say they do.
Most people love the idea, not the reality.Excellent summary of all that can go wrong and sabotage one’s efforts. Great post!
NEVER suggest a virtual coffee as an icebreaker
The reply will be “I’m not interested in virtual meets only looking for real meets”
They then block you because of a total miscommunication. We meet virtually just to say hi. These people have degrees, jobs they have a brain and yet they can’t seem to be able to be rational at all just ruthless
One experience alleviates any of the bupkis mentioned above. Whether for a single meet or many the pros out weigh the cons. Don’t let this list get you down.
Don’t ever try to fix it. She will never forgive you.
Invest in a shovel every word you use will be used to dig a hole further.
#1 is painfully accurate, especially the part about someone finding a problem.
My first ABF experience where, on paper, we wanted basically the same thing: connection, consistency, communication, actually meeting, etc. Great, right?
Except there was one tiny little problem: apparently communication was optional.
She started feeling uncomfortable about things but decided that telling me what was bothering her was apparently far too ambitious. Instead, the communication gradually changed, I could sense something was off, and naturally I was left trying to figure out what the hell was happening. That uncertainty created anxiety, which then made the whole dynamic worse.
Would a simple “Hey, this is bothering me” have helped? Probably. But I suppose that would have required the horrifying concept of **actually communicating**.
And honestly, that’s the part that still bothers me. I wish she would have tried. I wish she would have opened up more and actually let me understand what was going on inside her head. Because I genuinely think we could have gotten there. We weren’t fundamentally looking for different things—we just couldn’t navigate the uncomfortable parts together.
Instead, I apparently needed to become a mind reader.
So yeah, #17 might actually belong at #1: **communication isn’t just saying what you want. It’s having the courage to say when something isn’t working.**
Actual thread title: “20 False Dilemmas Laced With Misogyny” – A fascinating sexism study!
You can be sure his parents controlled him with false dilemmas. That’ll twist people up pretty badly, they become insufferable for interpersonal relationships. They only know how to control and manipulate as “communication,” which they call “effort” in the victim-card playing phase of their game. More accurately it’s annoying to the point of intolerable, extensive and exhausting. Thus, the ghosting and constant “no” he gets once he starts emitting paragraphs of words no one is interested in but him.
He formed a model of “normal discourse” fraught with logical fallacies and these dark techniques have become ingrained into how he fundamentally considers sentence formation. You’ll get lots more from Tunnel Vox: gaslighting, scapegoating and mansplaining to the moon are all 100% guaranteed. Also entirely assured: the complete rejection of it.
The problematic issue here, beyond the obvious source of his dating woes, is that he now blanket-associates all women with the negative qualities of his abuse cycle. That’s where the low-key misogyny kicks in.
I would be interested in dating his mother.
Good luck in your search, everyone!
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