- This topic has 48 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by
.
-
Posts
-
We talk a lot about attraction here. Chemistry. Connection. Trust.
But here’s something I’ve been wondering:
How safe are we actually being?
ABF Heaven is a community, but let’s be honest, it’s also functioning as a dating site. We flirt. We DM. We exchange pictures. We develop relationships of all kinds. And sometimes people take those relationships into the real world.
All while knowing only what the other person has chosen to tell us.
That’s kind of wild when you think about it.
Anonymity is part of what makes a place like this work. It gives people the freedom to explore something incredibly private without attaching it to the rest of their lives.
But there’s a flip side.
The same anonymity protecting you is also protecting the person you’re talking to.
And a profile can start feeling familiar long before the person behind it actually is.
For women especially, there’s a weird tightrope.
Be open, but not too open.
Trust your instincts, but don’t be paranoid.
Protect yourself, but don’t offend the perfectly nice man who hasn’t done anything wrong.Except sometimes protecting yourself does mean treating a perfectly nice man like what he technically still is:
A stranger!
Not giving someone your real name, phone number or other identifying information isn’t an accusation. Neither is wanting to stay on-site, video chat first or meet somewhere public.
It just means trust hasn’t caught up with chemistry yet.
And maybe the more interesting question isn’t whether someone says they’re safe.
What happens when you tell them no?
No, I’m not giving you my number yet.
No, I’m not sending that picture.
No, I’m not comfortable with that.
No, I’m not ready to meet you.I’ve always thought someone’s reaction to a boundary tells you far more than their profile ever could.
And yes, men need to protect themselves too. Catfishing, scams, manipulation and blackmail certainly aren’t reserved for women. But when an online connection becomes a physical one, women often have additional calculations to make.
So I’m curious how everyone handles this here.
What makes you decide someone from ABF Heaven is actually safe enough to trust?
Time? Consistency? Video chatting? Other members knowing them?
Verification?
Because I’m particularly curious about that little VERIFIED badge.
Does seeing it genuinely make you trust someone more? And more importantly… should it?
If you’ve actually met someone from here, I’d love to know what made you finally comfortable enough to do it.
And men, I’m curious about something from you too. Do you consciously think about whether a woman feels safe with you?
Because maybe safety isn’t the boring part that comes before the fun.
Maybe safety is what makes the fun possible.
@lolamayi12345 one of the great things about this site is being able to voice and video chat in the private message area without exchanging any personality identifiable information. It’s a great way visually and aurally verify. Free for everyone. Both parties have to be friends.
I have a pretty lengthy vetting system before meeting someone in a public place. I do have phone or video chats beforehand as well. Red flags come out through conversation as you mentioned not respecting boundaries is a big one. I think as women we are used to having to be aware & on alert to trust our intuition. If something feels off it’s usually right.
Yes, absolutely. For me, safety starts with basic physical respect and space.
I’ve always been very conscious of not crowding people or assuming touch is on the table. Nobody wants someone all up in their space. Physical intimacy has a proper time and place, and it only belongs behind closed doors with explicit mutual consent.
You made a great point about how someone handles boundaries: for me, giving a woman room to breathe physically and emotionally is the absolute baseline. If a guy can’t respect simple personal space, he won’t respect anything else.
For me, safety is the top priority for the ladies on here. It breaks my heart that some people just don’t give a damn about it and violate that trust when they meet.
On my first and only meeting with a lady from the site—who was so lovely!—we met somewhere completely public. We had a look around a castle and enjoyed a coffee together. I wanted her to get to know me in person rather than just over messages, without any pressure. To see if we clicked in person, And just to add we were talking over the phone and messages for a couple of months before we met.
I even told her at the end of our time together how important it was to me that she felt safe. I was so conscious of it that I had even considered asking her to type 999 into her phone beforehand so all she had to do was press call if she ever felt uneasy.
So yes, I absolutely think about whether a woman feels safe with me. I respect boundaries completely. In my honest opinion, if someone causes a fuss about your boundaries, they aren’t mature enough for a relationship and you’ve definitely dodged a bullet.
1. Chat on here and get to know each other very very well before moving on to phone or other platforms. If you’re on here Michael can help you if the user gets out of hand.
2. If person is local meet in real life only after you have an audio call on abf heaven. Don’t exchange phone numbers or other personally identifiable info like face pics etc even if they want to check chemistry etc. only meet after you have vetted them well, don’t be in a hurry because they sound so good.. or you think that they will likely slip away etc. if they slip away they are not for you and that’s ok too.
3. Meet for coffee or tea in a public place midway from where you live without giving away too much personally identifiable info even if they ask for it. At this point it’s not about trust but about safety in case they have hid info from you because you only know what they share with you and nothing more.
4. See how they treat you in person in irl and afterwards if they respect you for the time and effort, give you space, treat you well and vice versa .. it goes both ways.
5. If your match isn’t there then let go of the attachment to finding a good match and be happy with what is.. because life is beautiful either way.
What does “verification” prove, other than you’ve paid 50 to support the site? I don’t remember having to provide ID or anything like that.
Verification just means that they are supporting the site which is run by one person’s sweat. Michael does a really good job of checking if male or female and location etc as much as he can before he approves a user and any bad behavior he/she is out too. But there’s only so much one can do and the rest is on you.
That really is a great feature, and probably one we should talk about more. Being able to see and hear someone without handing over your phone number or other identifying information gives you another layer of information while still keeping some distance. I’m curious how many people here actually use it before deciding to meet someone in person?
@mmmmtex 🩷
Yes! And I’d actually love to know what your “pretty lengthy vetting system” looks like, if you’re comfortable sharing. I think we women develop our own little systems over time, and I’d bet there are things you do that some of us haven’t even thought of.
I appreciate seeing the Verified badge because it shows me that they are invested in their profile and the site. That they are less likely to suddenly delete and disappear. (Not that they won’t, but it will cost them).
Also, if they turn out to be an unsafe person, there’s at least a financial trail.@mobchip 🤓
I really like the “room to breathe physically and emotionally” part. And I think that starts long before anyone is actually in the same room. Pressure can happen through a screen too. Someone who keeps nudging at a small boundary online is probably telling you something worth paying attention to before you ever find out how they handle a bigger one in person.
@gardenman 🌺🌻🌸🌷
Paul, this is incredibly thoughtful. There’s such a difference between a man knowing he has good intentions and a man actually stopping to think about what the woman across from him might need in order to feel safe. You clearly did the latter.
Talking for months first, meeting somewhere public, making the first meeting simply about getting to know each other with no expectations attached, and even thinking through what she could do if she ever felt uncomfortable! That says SOOOO MUCH about the care you brought into it.
And I think you nailed something important at the end too. Someone who genuinely respects your boundaries doesn’t make you pay an emotional price for having them.
You’ve always struck me as an exceptionally thoughtful and considerate man, Paul, so absolutely none of this surprises me. ❤️
Also…a castle and coffee for a first meeting? You Brits really do make the rest of us look bad!
This is really good, Sparkling. And #5 may actually be one of the most important pieces of the whole thing. That fear of “if I don’t move fast enough, I might lose this person” can make us ignore our own pace and sometimes our better judgment. Someone worth knowing isn’t going to disappear because you needed a little more time to feel comfortable.
I also really like the distinction you made that early on it isn’t necessarily about trust—it’s about safety. You can really like someone, believe they’re being completely genuine, and still protect yourself until you actually know more. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive. ❤️
This is actually one of the reasons I asked the question about the VERIFIED badge. I think there’s an important distinction here.
As I understand it, the $50 is primarily a donation that helps support the site and Michael’s time keeping it running. It isn’t an ID check, background check or confirmation that everything someone has put on their profile is true.
So “verified” should NEVER translate in our heads to “this person is safe.” Those are two very different things.
That doesn’t make the badge meaninglesS, it tells us something about someone’s participation and support of the community. But when we’re talking specifically about personal safety, I think it’s important that we understand exactly what it does and doesn’t tell us.
And honestly, this thread may be a good reason for us to have a clearer conversation about what “verified” actually means here.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.