Safety is 🔥🔥🔥

[Lola]

@sind

Exactly. There’s only so much any site (or Michael)can possibly know about the person sitting behind a screen. I do think he does a remarkable job keeping an eye on this place, especially considering it’s essentially a one-man operation. But ultimately no badge, profile or approval process can replace our own judgment.

And maybe that’s the distinction worth making. Verification can tell us something about someone’s participation here. It can’t verify that someone is safe. Those are two very different things.

[Lola]

@winkingbird 🫶🏻

I’m with you on this, Jen. I actually feel strongly enough about it that I say right in my profile that I only privately message with verified members.

Not because I think that little badge magically means someone is safe, it absolutely does NOT, but because there’s something about being willing to invest in the community that matters to me. There’s at least a little more skin in the game than creating a free profile and disappearing tomorrow.

I hadn’t really thought about the financial trail aspect though. That’s an interesting point.

So maybe the badge does increase my comfort level. I just don’t want to confuse increased comfort with verified safety.

[Sparkling 💎]

Verifications doesn’t mean nothing because there is the fact that it’s not a fake account, traceability as we call it in the clinical dev world and the person is serious about finding their person.

[Nipnibbler2025]

The term “verified” might be taken to imply that some sort of vetting has taken place, when that’s not the case. Maybe change it to donor, supporter, or something doesn’t carry weight that it doesn’t have.

[Lola]

@nipnibbler2025

I think that’s a really fair point. “Verified” does naturally sound like something about this person has been independently verified, and if that isn’t what the badge actually represents, I can see how someone, especially a newer member, could give it more weight than they should.

I still really value the badge for the reasons Jen mentioned, and I’ve even made being verified a requirement for anyone who wants to privately message me. But maybe what this conversation is uncovering is that we need to be very clear about what that word does, and doesn’t mean here.

“Supporter” might actually describe it more accurately without unintentionally implying a level of vetting or safety that NO website could really guarantee.

[Lola]

@sind 💎

I don’t think it means nothing either. Clearly I place some value on it or I wouldn’t require it before I’ll privately message someone.

I think the distinction we’re teasing out is simply what it verifies. Supporting the site, having some skin in the game and leaving more of a trail absolutely mean something to me. I’m just not sure we can say it confirms someone isn’t using a fake identity unless there’s actually an identity check involved.

And this is exactly why I’m glad I asked the question. I think we may all have been attaching slightly different meanings to that little badge. 💎

[Jen (North Carolina)]

I like the label “supporter” or “support member” as @nipnibbler2025 suggested.

I think it’s very fair to limit your messages to members Lola. I limit my friends to members.

[Lola]

@winkingbird 🌻

I actually really like “supporter” too. It says exactly what it is without implying there’s been some kind of background check or vetting process.

And yes! That’s where I’ve landed with private messages! It doesn’t guarantee anything, obviously, but it’s one little filter I can control. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Nikki]

I dont have it in my bio, but am upfront when asked. I am a widow, my late husband was very abusive. Being repeatedly asked why I’m not ready to meet is a huge red flag. Yes I may trust ‘slower’ but after 16 yrs this is not only a new chapter but also wanting to add this..
I dont know if safe exists but I hope some day.

[Lola]

@nicolex 🫶🏻

Nikki, thank you for trusting us with that. ❤️ And you never owe anyone an explanation for why you aren’t ready to meet. “I’m not ready” is enough.

After everything you’ve lived through, you get to move at whatever pace feels right to you. Someone worth letting into this new chapter of your life won’t keep asking you to justify that pace, they’ll respect it.

And I really hope safe exists for you too. More than that, I hope someday it doesn’t feel like something you have to search so hard for. 🫶🏻

[Milly-(0)(0) 🥛💦🌶️😍]

Lola – what a great post, safe can mean different things to us all.
A busy public place on first met is always, my preference.
I will not met if they want the first met in a hotel. not for me.

I will not send face pics, this has resulted in people stopping speaking. which means good move along, you’re not for me.

I was actually thinking about this the other day- If I met someone, I use a friend as a safety back stop.
ie. message them to say.
meeting bob, 5.30pm at location. then
if possible send pic of car/location to the friend. what3words is great location tool also.

[Lola]

@milky52 🌸

Yes, Milly! And I love your attitude about the face pics! If someone stops talking to you because you won’t cross a boundary you’ve set for yourself, they’ve really just saved you some time.

The safety backstop is such a good addition to this conversation too. Having someone know who you’re meeting, exactly where you are and when they should expect to hear from you is so simple, but could matter enormously.

And a hotel for the first meeting would be an immediate no for me too. There’s chemistry…and then there’s common sense! 🫶🏻

[milkywhey]

This post should be pinned. Important info!

[Lola]

Reading all of these responses, I’m realizing we might as well actually spell this shit out.

A lot of it is Online Dating 101, and maybe most of us already know it. But I’d rather say ten things everybody knows than skip the one thing somebody doesn’t.

And full disclosure! I am probably on the extreme end of cautious!

If I’m going to meet someone I met online, I want to know who the hell I’m meeting.

I video chat first. I know your real name. I cross-check what you’ve told me. I use TruthFinder and will absolutely plug someone’s information in and see what comes back. Criminal and court records, addresses, possible relationships and whatever else is publicly available that helps me confirm the story I’ve been given. I Google. I look at social media if I can find it. Depending on the circumstances, I may even ask to see identification.

Is any one of those things foolproof? Nope.

But I’m stacking information. I’m looking for consistency. And if something doesn’t add up, I’m paying attention.

Before I go anywhere, more than one person knows exactly what I’m doing. They have your real name, your picture, screenshots of your profile, where we’re meeting, when we’re meeting and when they should expect to hear from me.

And definitely screenshot that profile. “I’m meeting HotGuy82 from ABF Heaven” isn’t particularly useful information if HotGuy82 suddenly deletes his account.

I share my live location with people I trust. I establish check-in times beforehand, and they know what to do if I miss one. Not just “text me when you get home.” There is an actual plan.

First meeting?

Busy. Public. Staffed.

Not my house.
Not your house.
Not a hotel room.
Not your car.

I drive myself there and I drive myself home. You don’t need my home address, and I’m not getting into your vehicle.

My phone is charged and accessible. I have my own money, my own transportation and my own way out. I keep control of anything I’m drinking, and I’m not getting impaired while meeting an internet stranger for the first time.

And if we’re having an absolutely fabulous time and you suggest we go somewhere “a little more private”?

Wonderful.

We can have a second date.

I also pay attention to the little things before we ever meet. How do you react when I say no? Do you push for information I’ve already said I’m not giving you? Do you keep nudging a boundary after I’ve set it? Do details in your stories keep changing?

Because I’m not only checking whether you say you’re safe. I’m watching how you behave when you don’t get exactly what you want.

And this one is probably the biggest for me:

I do not need proof that someone is dangerous in order to leave!!!

I don’t need a smoking gun. I don’t need to be able to explain why something suddenly feels wrong. I don’t owe you the rest of the evening because you drove an hour, bought me dinner, seem perfectly nice or might think I’m rude.

If something in me says go, I go!

As for personal protection or carrying a weapon, I think that’s an individual decision based on what’s legal where you live and what you’re actually trained and comfortable using. But I’m much more interested in putting layer after layer between myself and a dangerous situation so hopefully I never need one.

Is all of this excessive?

Maybe. I genuinely DO NOT CARE!!!

I’d much rather sit at home afterward laughing about how ridiculously cautious I was than spend one second wishing I’d taken one more precaution when I had the chance.

So there. That’s my slightly unhinged Online Dating 101 safety plan.

What am I missing? Because if we’re going to make the list, we might as well make it a damn good one!

[The Lover Boy]

So, first off to answer that very last part of the question, yes I am always constantly aware of anyone that I am talking to and how I make them feel! I constantly ask myself, do I make them feel safe and comfortable? Am I possibly coming across as creepy or rude? All things which I worry about haha.

But as far as to meet up, which I hope to do so for the first time soon, I would try to message them and talk to them, try to get to know them as much as I could, show them that I am a normal person and that I can be trusted. I also like the additional verification by video calling or even moving messaging beyond this website! I don’t mind sharing some minor details like my picture and my name! I do tend to be pretty trusting of other people easily, but I am always careful of who I share about myself with! I will never, ever ado anything about them that could compromise their safety!

And I will always respect the person and their level of trust and comfortability. It also helps to be patient as well! If I know she isn’t comfortable or trusting yet, then I am willing and happy to be patient to where she can start to trust me!

Like many others, I’d also make sure our first meeting would take in a public meeting of her choosing, where she feels the most safe and comfortable. I also love Paul’s idea of having her ready to dial 911 in case she feels otherwise unsafe. How she feels overall of our interaction both online and in real life, is very very, important to me. And I hope I’ve done my part on this website to make yall feel safe!

I hope what I’ve wrote answers your question and that it all makes sense 😅

[Author]

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