Safety is 🔥🔥🔥

[Grogman🍑🚀💙🦴]

I am an avid supporter of tatas.🤗
Just saying.😉

[Lola]

@somedeafguy674 😘

I think the patience piece is huge. There’s something very reassuring about a man who doesn’t need to convince you that he’s safe, but is perfectly willing to give you the time and space to decide that for yourself.

And yes, you absolutely answered the question. The fact that you’re even asking yourself, “How am I making this person feel?” tells me you’re thinking about this from the right side of it. Safety isn’t just where you meet or whether someone has 911 ready, it’s also whether the person you’re with makes it easy to have boundaries, change your mind, slow things down, or say no without it becoming weird.

That goes a long way. ❤️

[Lola]

Well, as an avid supporter of tatas, I’m sure you’re equally committed to the care and safety of the women attached to them. 😉Consider this your official opportunity to prove your credentials, Grogman. What’s your best safety tip for us?

[Grogman🍑🚀💙🦴]

@lolamayi12345 you bet your sweet bippie!
Mostly already mentioned. When agreeing to meet by all means go to a public location. Have a pleasant cocktail or coffee. Shoot the breeze. If it doesn’t feel right write it off as a nice drive.

[The Lover Boy]

That’s also a very good point to make sure that the person I meet with makes it easy to set boundaries with and to determine how we feel about each other when we meet! Thank you for always taking the time to respond! 😘

[Hi]

I appreciate you putting this into words. The anonymity here is probably a big part of why this community works. People can open up, be themselves, and say things they might never say around people they know. But that same anonymity can protect someone who isn’t being honest about who they are or what they want. A blessing and a curse.

I mostly chat, comment on forums, and join the biweekly café voice chat. In DMz, though, I keep a much smaller circle, usually people I already know, and I’m happy with that. It’s not that I don’t want to make friends. Some women here get a jillion messages, usually from men, and I don’t want to add to that mess. I suspect plenty of other men feel the same way. So I’m around, but I’m rarely reaching out privately. Maybe I’m just Batman. Social in public, mysterious in private, apparently operating out of a cave.

I understand why women are careful. Being friendly can get mistaken for interest, and interest can get mistaken for permission to push further. You shouldn’t have to worry that answering a message means you’ve signed up for sexual comments, demands for pictures, or someone getting angry because you weren’t available to reply. Keeping personal information private, staying on-site, or deciding you don’t want to continue talking are boundaries you’re entitled to have.

As a man, I think building trust starts with how you respond to those boundaries. Don’t rush things. Don’t turn someone’s caution into an insult against you. Let them feel comfortable, and let your behavior do the talking. Saying “I’m a good guy” doesn’t carry much weight if you get offended the first time someone tells you no.

But safety isn’t a one-way street. Women can stalk, manipulate, catfish, and ignore boundaries too. Men can get attached to someone who isn’t who they claim to be, have private conversations used against them, or find themselves dealing with someone who won’t accept rejection. Being a woman doesn’t automatically make someone safe, any more than being a man automatically makes someone dangerous.

Both people deserve privacy, boundaries, and the freedom to step back. Nobody owes anyone their phone number, their location, a picture, or constant access to their attention. And nobody should have to prove they’re interested by giving up precautions that help them feel safe.

For me, trust comes from time and consistency. How do you treat people? How do you handle disagreements? What happens when you don’t get your way? Anybody can be charming for an evening. I’m more interested in whether you’re still respectful when the answer is “not yet” or “no.”

There’s also room to be honest about your intentions. You can tell someone you’re interested without making it their problem to manage your feelings. And women can make the first move too. Sometimes a man is interested but cautious because he doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Meanwhile, she’s waiting for him to say something. Two people trying to be respectful, accidentally conducting a six-month experiment in telepathy.

The difference is what happens after someone speaks up. Mutual interest is great. If it isn’t mutual, accept it without bargaining, guilt, or treating friendship like a consolation prize you were cheated into winning.

I want people to feel comfortable around me, and I want to feel comfortable around them. That means being honest, taking our time, and respecting each other’s choices. The best kind of connection is one where neither person has to lower their guard because the other keeps pushing. They can relax because, over time, they’ve been given reasons to trust.

[Bill]

I think safety is very important,obviously it’s stressed more to females than males, but I’m not sure it should be. Females learn to be wary of strangers, no matter where you met them. I’m wondering if that leaves males a little more vaunrable, because they are not thinking about safety as much. I know I have found myself in some sketchy situations and have been lucky that nothing bad happened. I have also had situations where I have felt a little prickle on my neck and have chosen not to meet someone, because something felt off. Meeting in a public place after a certain comfort level is reached should be the first rule, male or female.

[Lola]

@showerthoughts 🤓

Okay, Batman, there’s a lot here!

I really like the point about two people potentially being interested while both are trying so hard to be respectful that nobody actually makes a move. I hadn’t really considered that side of it.

And you’re absolutely right that safety and boundaries aren’t exclusively women’s issues. I wrote from a woman’s perspective because that’s the experience I know, but men can absolutely be catfished, manipulated, stalked or have their boundaries crossed too.

I think we land in exactly the same place though: trust isn’t something you can announce about yourself. It’s something another person gets to decide about you over time based on how you behave, especially when you don’t get what you want. 😎

[Lola]

@sirise92 😘

That’s actually a really interesting point, Bill. We spend so much time teaching women to be cautious that I’m not sure we ever really teach men to think of themselves as potentially vulnerable in the same situations.

And I’m glad you mentioned that little “prickle on the neck.” I think we sometimes talk ourselves out of listening to that because we can’t explain it logically. You don’t have to know exactly what feels off to decide not to meet someone.

Now I’m curious, do you think the sketchy situations you ended up in happened partly because you just weren’t thinking about personal safety the way you would now?🫶🏻

[Rumina]

You have to learn quick. As a newbie one gets overwhelmed by loads of messages. You have to learn very quickly how to deal with disrespect.
Secondly a lack of effort ( just: ‘hi’) gives you no possibility to get to know someone.
Varified doesnt say anything about safety. So no, it doesnt make me trust someone more. I got to know very nice guys who are not verified and some of the opposite who are.
I learned by staying on here. After the first couple of wedks the amount of disrepectful inappropriate messages dominishes when you ignore, block etc. For the nice guys its really not helpful we have to go through this. We are immediately warned and arm oursrlves. It makes it more difficult to trust.

[Hi]

I was a Newbie-Wan Kinobi at one time.

[Rumina]

Oh and women could be supportive of each other. We have of course the roundtable, its about being supportive of each other in the proccess of lactactong or getting there.
We also could support each others safety. Its weird that is so difficult to do. Not among the friends one has made, but over all. Jealousy and/or dislikes get in yhe way of something as basic as safety.
There could be a world to win.

[Lola]

@dairydaisy 🩷

You really do learn quickly here. And unfortunately, every disrespectful or inappropriate message makes us a little more cautious with the perfectly lovely person who comes along next. They may be walking into a wall they had absolutely nothing to do with building.

But I REALLY love what you said about women supporting each other with safety. We don’t have to be friends. Hell, we don’t even necessarily have to like each other. Safety should be one of those places where jealousy, competition and personal feelings simply don’t matter.

If another woman is considering meeting someone I’ve had experience with, I’d want her to feel comfortable asking me. Not for gossip, not to publicly put anyone on blast; just women sharing information, checking in on each other, being someone’s safety contact, or simply saying, “Text me when you get home.”

And frankly, that benefits the good men here too. The safer and more supported women feel, the easier it is to actually be open to the people who deserve that openness.

Women looking out for women shouldn’t require friendship. 🩷

I’d really love to see more of that here.

[A]

Lola, thank you for starting the conversation. I’m going to create a separate post for visibility regarding a very specific issue within this space

[Lola]

@browngirlsugar 🫶🏻

I’m really glad you’re doing that. If there’s something specific going on that needs more eyes on it, then absolutely put it out there. Sometimes the only way we know there’s a problem, or realize other people are experiencing the same thing, is when somebody finally says it out loud. I’ll be looking for your post.🤓

[Author]

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