🛑Ladies, We Need to Talk About Safety! 🛑

[Lola]

Before you take online offline.

The conversation in my other safety thread made me realize I’ve been assuming everyone knows the basic rules of meeting someone from the internet.

That was probably a bad assumption.

So, women looking out for women. No fearmongering. Just the stuff I think every woman should know before taking an online connection into real life.

KNOW WHO YOU’RE MEETING

Video chat first. ABF Heaven has voice and video chat built right into private messages, so you can actually see and hear someone without giving them your phone number or moving off the site. Use it.

Before I meet someone, I want their real name. I Google. I look at social media. I reverse-image search if something seems off. I use TruthFinder to cross-check what I’m being told against whatever public information I can find.

Yes, I get a little FBI about it. 😎

None of that proves someone is safe. I’m looking for consistency. Does the person I can independently find match the person I’ve been talking to?

And while you’re learning about them, remember they’re learning about you too. Protect your address, workplace, routines and anything involving your children. Pay attention to what’s visible in the photos you send.

And never send an intimate picture you couldn’t live with someone keeping.

BEFORE YOU WALK OUT THE DOOR

More than one trusted person should know where you’re going and who you’re meeting.

Give them his real name, photo, screenshots of his profile, where you’re meeting and when you expect to be home.

Screenshot the profile before the date. “I’m meeting HotGuy82 from ABF Heaven” isn’t terribly useful if HotGuy82 disappears from the site tomorrow.

Share your live location. Set check-in times. Have a code word or emoji that means call me, I need out.

Make it an actual plan, not just “my friend knows I’m on a date.”

FIRST MEETINGS ARE PUBLIC. PERIOD.

Busy. Staffed. Other people around.

Not your house. Not his. Not a hotel room. Not his car. Not some beautifully secluded spot where no one can hear you scream because apparently we’re starring in a Lifetime movie now!

Take your own transportation and have a backup way home.

Keep control of your drink at ALL times! Keep your phone charged. Have your own money. Personally, I’m not getting impaired while meeting an internet stranger for the first time.

I want all my faculties on the premises.

And if something feels off when you’re leaving, you don’t have to let him walk you to your car. Ask staff or security to walk with you or wait inside for your ride.

DON’T LET CHEMISTRY CHANGE THE PLAN

You meet. He’s adorable. The chemistry is ridiculous. Three hours disappear.

Want to go somewhere more private?

Nope.

We can have a second date.

The precautions I thought were necessary at 5:00 don’t magically become unnecessary at 9:00 because somebody made me laugh and kissed well.

Chemistry is wonderful.

It is not a background check.

PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE HANDLES “NO”

You can learn a lot before you ever meet.

No, I’m not giving you my number yet.

No, I’m not sending that picture.

No, I’m not ready to meet.

No, I’m not comfortable with that.

Do they accept it?

Or negotiate? Keep asking? Pout? Guilt you? Try again tomorrow?

Small boundaries are information.

Pay attention.

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LEAVE

You do not need proof that someone is dangerous.

You are not conducting a trial. You don’t need enough evidence to convict him.

You don’t owe anyone the rest of an evening because he drove two hours, bought dinner or has been perfectly lovely until that moment.

Something feels wrong?

Go.

Figure out why later.

PERSONAL PROTECTION IS PERSONAL

If you legally carry a weapon or other personal-protection device and you’re trained and comfortable using it, I have absolutely no problem with that being part of your safety plan.

I just don’t want it to be your only safety plan.

Think in layers: identity, information, someone knowing where you are, live location, public surroundings, a clear head, your own transportation, an exit plan and whatever legal personal protection you choose.

VERIFIED ≠ VERIFIED SAFE

I value our verified badge. My own profile says I only privately message verified members.

But it’s one piece of information, not a safety guarantee!

Neither is a video call. Neither is TruthFinder. Neither are mutual friends. Neither is six months of talking.

Nothing replaces your own judgment!

And please don’t let the fear of losing someone make you move faster than you want to.

If someone disappears because you won’t give him your number, send the picture, meet immediately or move at his preferred pace…

Let him disappear.

Maybe most of you read this thinking, Lola, no shit.

GOOD! 😂

But if one woman reads one thing here that she hadn’t considered before meeting someone from the internet, this was worth writing.

And I know I haven’t thought of everything.

What did I miss?

Women, what are your non-negotiables? What safety thing do you always do that someone else might not have considered?

Men, you’re welcome in this conversation too. What do you do to help a woman feel safe meeting you? What would you want the women in your life to know?

Let’s keep adding to this. Tips, lessons learned, little things that work…whatever might help someone else.

Be open. Have fun. Flirt your ass off. Meet someone wonderful.

Just take damn good care of yourself while you do it. 🫶🏻

[Real ABF’er]

Very astute precautions applicable for everyone to adhere to.

[Nick]

Agreed. I’m a dude and I do this too. Don’t want to be cat fished and will not meet in sketchy places lol

[Bobbi]

Thanks Lola 😊 I already do every single step you advise but for me these days I usually just communicate and a lot of potential partners show their true colors and usually flake so if they can’t communicate then no date!

[Lola]

Absolutely, and I’d really love the men to weigh in on this too. From your side of things, what do you do when meeting a woman for the first time to everyone feel safe and comfortable? Did I miss anything? I want to make this thread as useful as possible.

[Lola]

@nowlan3 🤓

And honestly, I’m glad you said that. I wrote this very much from a woman’s perspective, but men absolutely need to be smart about meeting internet strangers too. Catfishing, scams, sketchy situations…none of that is gender exclusive. What’s your biggest non-negotiable before you’ll meet someone?

[Lola]

@softandsensual 🩷

YES. And I think that’s one we probably don’t talk about enough! The vetting starts way before the actual date. How someone communicates, whether they’re consistent, how they handle boundaries, whether their stories keep making sense…you can learn a hell of a lot before you ever put on pants and leave the house.😉

[Grogman🍑🚀💙🦴]

While not obvious to most, enrolling in a self defense course is helpful. I enrolled my daughter in one before college. Thankfully she never had to use it.

[Lola]

@grogman 😘

YES. This is such a good one. I’ve taken a self-defense course myself and was honestly surprised by how empowering it was. Not just learning what to do physically, but realizing I had options and wasn’t completely helpless if something ever happened. I walked out of there carrying myself a little differently! 💪🏻

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