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Before you take online offline.
The conversation in my other safety thread made me realize Iāve been assuming everyone knows the basic rules of meeting someone from the internet.
That was probably a bad assumption.
So, women looking out for women. No fearmongering. Just the stuff I think every woman should know before taking an online connection into real life.
KNOW WHO YOUāRE MEETING
Video chat first. ABF Heaven has voice and video chat built right into private messages, so you can actually see and hear someone without giving them your phone number or moving off the site. Use it.
Before I meet someone, I want their real name. I Google. I look at social media. I reverse-image search if something seems off. I use TruthFinder to cross-check what Iām being told against whatever public information I can find.
Yes, I get a little FBI about it. š
None of that proves someone is safe. Iām looking for consistency. Does the person I can independently find match the person Iāve been talking to?
And while youāre learning about them, remember theyāre learning about you too. Protect your address, workplace, routines and anything involving your children. Pay attention to whatās visible in the photos you send.
And never send an intimate picture you couldnāt live with someone keeping.
BEFORE YOU WALK OUT THE DOOR
More than one trusted person should know where youāre going and who youāre meeting.
Give them his real name, photo, screenshots of his profile, where youāre meeting and when you expect to be home.
Screenshot the profile before the date. āIām meeting HotGuy82 from ABF Heavenā isnāt terribly useful if HotGuy82 disappears from the site tomorrow.
Share your live location. Set check-in times. Have a code word or emoji that means call me, I need out.
Make it an actual plan, not just āmy friend knows Iām on a date.ā
FIRST MEETINGS ARE PUBLIC. PERIOD.
Busy. Staffed. Other people around.
Not your house. Not his. Not a hotel room. Not his car. Not some beautifully secluded spot where no one can hear you scream because apparently weāre starring in a Lifetime movie now!
Take your own transportation and have a backup way home.
Keep control of your drink at ALL times! Keep your phone charged. Have your own money. Personally, Iām not getting impaired while meeting an internet stranger for the first time.
I want all my faculties on the premises.
And if something feels off when youāre leaving, you donāt have to let him walk you to your car. Ask staff or security to walk with you or wait inside for your ride.
DONāT LET CHEMISTRY CHANGE THE PLAN
You meet. Heās adorable. The chemistry is ridiculous. Three hours disappear.
Want to go somewhere more private?
Nope.
We can have a second date.
The precautions I thought were necessary at 5:00 donāt magically become unnecessary at 9:00 because somebody made me laugh and kissed well.
Chemistry is wonderful.
It is not a background check.
PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE HANDLES āNOā
You can learn a lot before you ever meet.
No, Iām not giving you my number yet.
No, Iām not sending that picture.
No, Iām not ready to meet.
No, Iām not comfortable with that.
Do they accept it?
Or negotiate? Keep asking? Pout? Guilt you? Try again tomorrow?
Small boundaries are information.
Pay attention.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LEAVE
You do not need proof that someone is dangerous.
You are not conducting a trial. You donāt need enough evidence to convict him.
You donāt owe anyone the rest of an evening because he drove two hours, bought dinner or has been perfectly lovely until that moment.
Something feels wrong?
Go.
Figure out why later.
PERSONAL PROTECTION IS PERSONAL
If you legally carry a weapon or other personal-protection device and youāre trained and comfortable using it, I have absolutely no problem with that being part of your safety plan.
I just donāt want it to be your only safety plan.
Think in layers: identity, information, someone knowing where you are, live location, public surroundings, a clear head, your own transportation, an exit plan and whatever legal personal protection you choose.
VERIFIED ā VERIFIED SAFE
I value our verified badge. My own profile says I only privately message verified members.
But itās one piece of information, not a safety guarantee!
Neither is a video call. Neither is TruthFinder. Neither are mutual friends. Neither is six months of talking.
Nothing replaces your own judgment!
And please donāt let the fear of losing someone make you move faster than you want to.
If someone disappears because you wonāt give him your number, send the picture, meet immediately or move at his preferred paceā¦
Let him disappear.
Maybe most of you read this thinking, Lola, no shit.
GOOD! š
But if one woman reads one thing here that she hadnāt considered before meeting someone from the internet, this was worth writing.
And I know I havenāt thought of everything.
What did I miss?
Women, what are your non-negotiables? What safety thing do you always do that someone else might not have considered?
Men, youāre welcome in this conversation too. What do you do to help a woman feel safe meeting you? What would you want the women in your life to know?
Letās keep adding to this. Tips, lessons learned, little things that workā¦whatever might help someone else.
Be open. Have fun. Flirt your ass off. Meet someone wonderful.
Just take damn good care of yourself while you do it. š«¶š»
Agreed. Iām a dude and I do this too. Donāt want to be cat fished and will not meet in sketchy places lol
Thanks Lola š I already do every single step you advise but for me these days I usually just communicate and a lot of potential partners show their true colors and usually flake so if they can’t communicate then no date!
Absolutely, and Iād really love the men to weigh in on this too. From your side of things, what do you do when meeting a woman for the first time to everyone feel safe and comfortable? Did I miss anything? I want to make this thread as useful as possible.
@nowlan3 š¤
And honestly, Iām glad you said that. I wrote this very much from a womanās perspective, but men absolutely need to be smart about meeting internet strangers too. Catfishing, scams, sketchy situationsā¦none of that is gender exclusive. Whatās your biggest non-negotiable before youāll meet someone?
@softandsensual š©·
YES. And I think thatās one we probably donāt talk about enough! The vetting starts way before the actual date. How someone communicates, whether theyāre consistent, how they handle boundaries, whether their stories keep making senseā¦you can learn a hell of a lot before you ever put on pants and leave the house.š
While not obvious to most, enrolling in a self defense course is helpful. I enrolled my daughter in one before college. Thankfully she never had to use it.
@grogman š
YES. This is such a good one. Iāve taken a self-defense course myself and was honestly surprised by how empowering it was. Not just learning what to do physically, but realizing I had options and wasnāt completely helpless if something ever happened. I walked out of there carrying myself a little differently! šŖš»
Hi, I love this post!! Very important.
To me even the suggestion of carrying a gun to a meet up is shocking. The idea does not make me feel safe, it does the opposite. He could use it against me. Where there are guns, they will be used.luckily they are not allowed overe here.
@grogman : i took a course in self defense when i was in university. It works! I had to use it several times. I wasnt physically attacked but i had learned how to react when guys try to intimidate you or scare you. To not look like an easy target. Thats priceless.
@lolamayi12345 I do miss something: your beautifull post is about what to do when meeting. I d love to talk about the online part before meeting. How do we create a safe community? Where you can be yourself? Not everybody has to be your friend, but where people are treated with respect, also in dm? Most experiences are very good. But too many people, men and eomen, tell stories about nasty experiences. May be thats another post though.@dairydaisy š©·
I completely understand why that part would be shocking from where you are. Gun culture and laws are VERY different here in the US, and even from state to state.
But I do want to clarify that when I said āweapon or personal-protection device,ā I wasnāt specifically talking about guns. Women I know carry all kinds of things for personal protection: pepper spray, mace, personal alarms and other weapons where legal. Some legally carry firearms. Itās a very personal decision, and obviously everyone needs to know the laws where they live and be comfortable with whatever they choose.
My bigger point was that whatever you carry should never be your only safety plan. Iād much rather have all those other layers in place and never need to use any of it.
And YES to the self-defense course. Iāve taken one too and found it incredibly empowering. Even beyond learning what to do physically, it changed the way I carried myself and made me feel much more capable of responding if something ever did happen.
And I think your last point is a really good one. Safety starts online, long before anyone agrees to meet.
How we behave in DMs, how we handle boundaries and rejection, what we do with someoneās private information or pictures, whether we make people feel comfortable saying no, all of that contributes to whether this feels like a safe community.
Iād absolutely love to keep that part of the conversation going. What do you think we could be doing better online to make this space feel safer?
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