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Reposting from my account updates at the recommendation of @breastlover:
On being ghosted:
So the most thrilling thing happened to me a week or so ago; out of the blue, someone messaged me. And not in the sort of accidental right-swipe sort of way – a bona-fide “hi how are you” and “your profile spoke to me” kind of thing. I couldn’t believe it.
And not only was this person interested, but she was interesting, and seemingly financially stable, comfortable enough with my bizarre circumstances to look past it all, and believe it or not even occasionally in my neck of the woods!
We chatted, we moved on to texts, and even started talking about seeing one another – just coffeeshop things – within the next couple weeks when her travel schedule worked in our favor. I hadn’t felt so wanted in…well, a really long time.
…and then the texts stopped. Not even a change of heart or request for patience – just a sudden and inexplicable cessation of contact, like she had never even existed in the first place.
I get life; I get how it can get in the way. I get highs and lows; I get how one day a person can seem like the best thing ever and then the next feel like a horrible mistake. I get all this, and I’m more than ready to understand and accommodate. But what I just don’t understand is ghosting.
Why do people do it? I suppose it could be guilt? Maybe? Like they suddenly have a change of heart and don’t want to hurt the other person? Maybe it’s shame? They don’t want to be embarrassed confronting someone they don’t want to have contact with anymore? Maybe it’s ego – that they got the thrill they wanted in the moment and now have no interest in continuing the conversation? Maybe they just forgot?I don’t know. I really wish I did know. I’m sure it goes without saying, but the confusion of being suddenly forgotten is a painful experience, and one I certainly wouldn’t wish on anyone. I hate hurting people, and actively avoid doing so (most likely to a fault), so when it happens to me it rubs my sense of self and ethics the wrong way.
I’d really rather just be told what’s going on. Given the choice, I’d prefer the truth a hundred times over to being ghosted. Regardless why. I’d rather know whether I said something wrong, or didn’t do something right, or even just that I’m not interesting anymore. I’d rather know because I can use that information in an endeavor to be better in the future, for whomever happens to be the next person I talk with. Even knowing it has nothing to do with me helps provide at least a little catharsis to what otherwise remains a tender little welt in the back of my mind for lord knows how many months into the future.
So I guess what I’m saying here, if I’m saying anything at all to anyone in particular, is please don’t just disappear. I don’t care what the reason is – whether it’s my fault or yours or nobody’s at all. I don’t care if its an embarrassment because I’m never going to blame a person for a change of heart. I just want to understand why.
It has happened so many times to me. Just like you said– talking along fine for days/weeks and then NOTHING.
so, people, if you’re not interested, just send a note saying so and stop ghosting.I would not take it personally. It happens, like you said. I’ve chatted with people who I almost guarantee would have met in the next hour, and then poof.
Does it suck to have expectations not met? Sure. But you can’t assume other people’s circumstances or experiences that make them disappear. Something to consider, a handful of women I spoke to have been overwhelmed and left the space due to men swarming their DMs. A lot of women on other personal sites lurk out of concern that if they post they’ll get swarmed.
Just thank them for their time and wish them luck, that is all you can really ask for. Even if they don’t read your message, even if getting ghosted hurts, you have to have that confidence and stability in yourself to accept that things happen and better luck next time.
On matters like this that one can’t control, such as the behavior of others, the only thing one can do is accept the situation and move on. That’s especially true for ghosting, because what else can you do in response? Stew in your own juices? Flame them by shouting into a void? None of that is helpful.
And then there’s the catfishers, scammers, bots, picture collectors, social media follower collectors, only-fans fan-collectors, outright prostitutes, and so on, which are rapidly crowding out “real” people in so many venues. Those are never going to end in anything other than ghosting or worse. So maybe you are lucky to merely be ghosted?
Despite the universal dismay over it, why would you or I or anyone do it? Sure, life gets in the way, but I think it’s mostly out of self-protection. After you’ve received enough scam attempts, or wrath from people who believe you have no right to reject them, or expectations of obsessive levels of on-line attention, etc., it changes your behavior.
In the world of Miss Manners from the 1950’s, there’s no excuse, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s now our modern reality.
Be nice, but be safe.
I’ve had 2 of these experiences in a row on a different platform lately. Texting for many days – getting to know each other, building trust, life updates, jokes, sharing some fantasies and frustrations, eventually planning our schedules… both reached the same ending – one day a message stays grey on “Unread” and it’s total radio silence after. I made the mistake of allowing myself to get excited on both counts and it made the experience quite confusing. It leaves you with that sense that “it’s not real or meaningful” unless we’re in the same room together. Until then things can end at any point for reasons you’ll never get to know. Going into ANR dating I had no idea that number one trait it promotes is perseverance ha! (We always come back don’t we)
Let me start by saying that I don’t agree with ghosting, but there can be a lot of reasons for it, not all of them malicious. I have been ghosted before after a 2+ year ongoing online relationship, so I understand a lot of the feelings that go with it.
Some reasons for ghosting can be:
1) something felt off
2) things moved too fast
3) the person doesn’t know how to best advocate for themselves and fears confrontation (I suspect this is one of the biggest reasons)
4) they weren’t fully truthful about themselves, their situation, anything that would become apparent upon meeting and they don’t want to/can’t find a way to tell you
5) meeting in person could place unexpected pressure on them, whether truly there or not, and it causes them anxiety and inability to move forward.These are just a few. I’m sure there are others. Some have nothing to do with you, your behaviors, etc, others might. It’s hard to know when they never return to explain what went wrong where, especially if it has to do with internal anxiety on the other person’s part.
If you can look back and see where maybe things changed, maybe that can give you some insight into why the ghosting happened. You can’t always, and that’s okay. The only thing in this situation you can control is yourself, so if ghosting is happening a lot, it may help to take an objective look at the situations and see if there’s a common event or behavior of yours that keeps coming up and there’s a noticeable change that you may have missed from being “in the thick of it”. It’s easy to overlook the signs of unease when you are thinking of the exciting things.
Other than that, being ghosted is out of your control. It hurts, but I try to look at it as they did me a favor by stopping instead of continuing and potentially making things worse.
This has happened to me here as well. It makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong or said something offensive. I was talking to so many wonderful and interesting people I thought…….then they just disappear out of thin air.
I’m sorry that it happened to you. It seems to be happening everywhere though no matter the site. Even for non ABF dating
Twice in less than 24 hours!
I don’t even know if I can take anyone sincere seriously anymore.
It doesn’t hurt my feelings, when I get ghosted, I know I dodged a bullet. What is frustrating is the time I put into getting to know someone, realizing they were not representing their true self. I truly realize it’s a blessing in disguise to be ghosted! Whew!
Then there are those that come up with “stories”.
Like the one man (after talking for a month) about a year ago (once we decided to make plans to meet)…told me that he actually wasn’t interested in ANR/ABF, he only joined the site because he has Social Anxiety & his Therapist suggested he join & Online Dating Site to work on his Social Skills. 🤦🏼♀️
Another story…about 1.5 years ago after corresponding for 2 months he was in Atlanta for Business. We made plans for him to drive up one Sunday for the day, meeting at 10:00a. We texted the evening before & confirmed everything.
Sunday morning comes, I drive to the restaurant we are meeting at, 10:00a comes & goes, 10:30a, I text him, no reply, I call him, no answer. I’m actually concerned because everything was confirmed. I waited until 11:30a, nothing. Go home perplexed. Three months later he sends me a text message, Yep, three months.
His message said he stopped mid-way to gas up, when he went inside to pay, he accidentally left his vehicle unlocked, his cell phone & work laptop were stolen from his vehicle & he almost lost his job because they were stolen.
He said he was so shaken up about the situation he was just getting in touch with me (three months later).
I could go on…I can’t even remember them all. It’s not only here or ANR/ABF sites, it seems to have become a way of life.
I’ve attempted to be very sincere in my profile. I easily share G rated photos privately. I’m well educated, well groomed, kind & caring.
I know life is busy. With email & texting readily accessible the majority of people expect an immediate response.
I do not have a desk job, so there are times a response from me may be delayed, yet I will reply if we have established a rapport.
I will never partake in any of the behavior I mentioned above, that I have been on the receiving end of.Hurts even more when you have been seeing each other for quite some time then they just cut you off….no reply at all, no explanation just gone!
I had the same thing happen to me a few weeks ago. Things were going great, I mean absolutely awesome. We met up and had brunch and what seemed like 30 mins was actually 3 hours! When we left I asked her if she wanted to proceed and let me suckle her. She said she wanted it right now but had an appointment. We made a date for that Saturday. When she left she was sending pictures of her breasts while she was driving. Later that night texting me pictures of what I hadn’t seen. And OMG it was amazing! We finally met up that Saturday and I went to town on her nipples! She had orgasms after orgasm I lost count. This lasted over an hour and a half. When we were done she said she felt like Jello lol. She text me later that evening and said she had to take a nap she was so worn out! The next day we texted. Monday I text her and it took her all day to respond, I didn’t text anything until she replied. She replied and just said it was a crazy day. I asked what happened…..nothing. Next morning I sent a good morning text….nothing. I waited 4 days and asked if everything was ok…..nothing. Wishes her a Merry Christmas….nothing. Haven’t heard from her again.
I agree with you. I have no explanation as to why she ghosted me. But I can still smell her perfume on the couch, and a bunch of insanely beautiful pictures and memories of her. I’ll never forget the one that got away. Good luck in the future. I hope none of us have to deal with that again!
I find this as equally frustrating as you… what happened to manners? We are in such a detached tech driven society that it’s so easy to ditch someone, if you wouldn’t say/do it to their face don’t do it over media. Bad craic’ you dodged a bullet mate, don’t need people with such attitudes in your life.
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