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Hi all, I’m making this thread to ask for your perspectives on my current life and situation. I don’t know anyone in person that I can talk to about ABF so I’m hoping to hear your thoughts.
I’m 45 years old. I discovered a powerful need to be in an ANR over twenty years ago but, despite some attempts here and there, for various reasons was never able to find the right person to fulfil it. Ten years ago I did meet a lovely woman with two kids. I became a stepdad and we got a civil partnership together. The kids are now teenagers, not far away from leaving home, and I love them both. However things with my partner have become rocky. We argue and spend little time together. She is a good woman for sure, one of the most decent people I’ve ever met, but we don’t share many interests or connect well. That’s even before we get into my cravings for ABF, which she doesn’t share at all.
My needs get so intense that I often struggle to sleep and frequently feel miserable and alone. Early in our relationship she tried to accommodate me but it was half hearted, never enough to induce, and eventually petered out entirely. Being with her, sadly, means respecting her decision and her lack of interest in breastfeeding me.
As a result I feel unfulfilled and like there is a fundamental piece of me missing. I fantasise constantly about leaving her but I know that I may well never find what I’m looking for even if I’m free to start again, and I also don’t want to leave the teens. I am fond of my partner, and respect her but don’t love her, meanwhile she says that I am the love of her life but to me it feels like we’re just going through the motions.
I have so many thoughts whizzing adound my head: am I broken? Weak? What is wrong with me that I would blow up our lives for the *chance* to find an ABFR? Do I need therapy? Are these needs I have normal-at least to those in the ANR community? The thought of never experiencing the bond and closeness of a true ANR fills me with sadness and in a sense grief, as ridiculous as it says to type that up and read it back to myself aloud! Does anyone else know how I feel or is this just me?
Anyway thank you for reading this and perhaps taking the time to give your honest opinions.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I actually left a potential long-term partner because of this reason. He wasn’t into ABF like me, I started to feel neglected. I’ve talked to a few people here and I know it consumes their mind as much as it does mine – so you are not alone there. I won’t give you advice to leave or stay but I will tell you that life is short and you only get one.
You’re not wrong to lean into your needs. How could you ignore your needs? To do so is painful.
However, before you consider something that will permanently change many people’s lives, I recommend you get professional support – one on one with a therapist. Also, a sex therapist for you and your partner could also help. At the minimum, if your partner declines therapy, you’d certainly know where their head is at. Good luck and tread kindly to yourself.
You make me think of many ladies I talk to on the site that whose men are not into ABF or breast play except as a prelude to sex.
Many of them either have an open relationship where they are allowed to play or they play discretely. Neither of those seem referable.
To me if someone loves someone they embrace all their interests. I say that about the guys and also your situation. If it gives the partner pleasure you should do it for that purpose alone. Their pleasures become yours. I am sure you have sat through a movie that you did not like because of her.
I know my perspective does not give you an answer. Only my opinion. Does she enjoy breast play at all? Maybe incorporate it into your lovemaking in a way where you both can me satisfied. For some when you use the term breastfeeding they only think of a baby and not adult so it has a stigma.I have encountered that. They love breast play to the point of orgasm but mention lactation or breastfeeding they get turned off and think it is freaky. Good Luck
Hi Sonia, thanks for sharing. That sounds like a comparable situation to mine and must have been painful. Did you tell your at-the-time partner the ABF related reason you were leaving?
It’s good to hear that I’m not the only one, that others get consumed by the need as well. I worry a bit that there’s just something wrong with me.
Thank you. Yes I am strongly considering therapy of some sort. I guess the doubtful negative part of my mind sometimes thinks “so you’re really wanting to blow up multiple people’s lives just because you want to be breastfed”
Thanks Tom, your perspective is helpful. Actually my partner is like one of the men that you mention hearing about in that she sees breast play as a prelude to sex. I know many in the ABF community mix the two and enjoy doing so a lot, but for me personally sex and ABF are really distinct and fulfil different needs, so we clash a bit here. It’s not a sexual need that is going unfulfilled, it’s whatever ‘magic’ happens during ABF, if that makes sense?
I also feel like you that sharing interests can be a beautiful thing, especially if you care for someone. Sadly, she doesn’t feel that way and won’t attempt to engage in my interests. And on the flip side I feel like she has few hobbies or interests herself.
It has to be a gradual process..the reason you have doubts about leaving them is the possible repercussions of your actions to separate..the reason you are asking us for our perspective is you aren’t sure if you could live with your choice.. ultimately no matter what all of us advice or say you and your family will be directly affected if you stay or leave.. Will it be worth it, will you find a good partner and will it fill that empty space .. all unknown.. so my suggestion to you is fill that space with yourself., don’t keep thinking that you are missing something..when those cravings occur deal with them but in a positive way.. be whole yourself and then see what the universe will offer you.. maybe your family will see a change in you and you will all be able to have a genuine conversations about these things without necessarily pointing fingers at anybody. I wish you peace and love..
Hey Edward, it wasn’t that hard for me as I was quite dissatisfied and eager to find someone more aligned with the things I liked. I found the mental back-and-forth of having to make a decision to break up was worse compared to moving on (more relieved than anything). Mind you, I did not invest years of my life into that relationship nor do I have kids.
I did learned two things from that relationship. One, ABF was a non-negotiable desire for me and second, nothing beats an enthusiastic partner. You can convince someone to agree but it’s not the same as finding someone who passionately shares the same desire. I don’t blame him for not being into it, I’m not into everything out there either. If you keep forcing it on someone, it begins to feel like a chore/job and that takes the fun out of it.
Sonia nailed it when she said “non-negotiable desire”!
Is it possible for you to have the cake and eat it too – as in, will your partner allow you to just suckle somebody else who is willing/able. (Granted you and your partner will have to amicably negotiate so it is a fair deal.)
JUST a thought – it might not even be feasible … wish you the best! (You are not alone in your conundrum!)
What you say really resonates with me. If you try ABF with a partner who isn’t enthusiastic it really kills the joy.
Thanks for your reply, Cut Tan. Sadly my partner would never tolerate me being with someone else in that way, even if it’s not sexual (for me). And even I would find it difficult TBH. As Sonia as what I really need is a partner who is equally invested in ANR as I am.
You are most welcome, Edward! AND the very best to you, not just in a manner of speaking but as a sincere wish!
Thank you. I’m really taking strength from the community of like-minded folk here.
You are absolutely right to oay attention to your needs. So is your partner. Communication is key. Find a way to make things work, proffessional help is a very good idea.
I do partially agree with Tom: yes you embrace all about your partner, but that doesnt mean you have to join in. As Edward 8s saying: if its half hearted, it kills the joy. That will be the same for her, because she will feel she isnt enough when pushed.
So communication. Work out a situation that fits the 2 of you. Be open to sulutions you didnt think of before. Good luck!
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