› Personal Ads & Forum › General Discussion › When you don’t get what you want (for men mainly)
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Candee.
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November 30, 2023 at 3:40 pm #363381
That is just how it is with online dating. I just shoot my shot with the 5 or so women that are active in my area and hope for the best.
November 30, 2023 at 4:26 pm #363395My experience on here has not really changed much over the years. I’ve been a member since 2017 when it was still ABFHeaven.org when it went bust and then thankfully Michael revived it. I do agree with Jay though, as nowadays I just charge it to the game, in a manner of speaking. I no longer initiate interactions primarily because I’ve tried to speak to most of the women close by and to no avail. Thank god for the notes feature Michael added, as I can now avoid repeat messages which might be construed as harrassment.
For those women who initiated contact, all of them at some point either became a ‘deleted user’ or blocked me out of the blue. One woman blocked me after I’d asked if she was ok to exchange face pictures to which she agreed. When I sent her mine I discovered I was blocked. Again, I just charge it to the game but as has previously been mentioned all these experiences lead to extreme apathy to the point where the only reason I maintain my account is just to do the daily puzzles, respond to the 1-2 messages I receive every 12-18 months (usually from abroad) and keep it moving. The hope will never fade completely that I will find someone but I’m not holding my breath.
I know for a fact Jay and I were speaking to the same woman at the same time a little while ago, which only goes to show that women here outnumber us men a great deal. I agree with Rachy as I do think it’s rude when someone doesn’t respond but I think this only applies when you’ve been chatting back and forth for a good while. But like Jay says, if you enquire about the sudden radio silence it’s seen as harrassment. If you don’t then you don’t care. Classic lose-lose situation. Again I charge this to the game.
I’m fascinated with human interaction. I used to write letters to girls I fancied in high school as I grew up when R’n’B was still about love and romance. The song 4 Page Letter comes to mind, for those who get the reference. Receiving a reply in a nicely folded envelope which she’d sprayed with perfume and sealed with a lipstick kiss was just the best. It was clear at that point that she liked me too. There was still face to face interaction so sooner or later I would see her again during the school day, so even if she didn’t like me back I’d know about it and be able to move on. One of my exes even sang the words from the song Dilema during a talent contest, smiling and looking in my direction the entire time she sang the chorus.
My point being, the analog form of writing love letters when juxtaposed with its digital equivalent, the human element is completely removed so we have no way of interpreting or even perceiving body language. As it’s on the internet, it appears that some think it’s ok to ignore someone you’ve been speaking to daily with no explanation and worse still, men think it’s ok to be rude, obnoxious, send unsolicited pictures and just generally be sleazy. No person in their right mind would interact this way in real life and if you do it’s off to jail you go for indecent exposure at minimum.
All in all I think once you become savvy to how some people treat online interactions, it becomes easier to navigate. As much as we may not like it, it is unreasonable to expect a response much less for every one of them to be positive. Please understand me well, I do not excuse the abhorent behaviour which is commonplace here from some men. I’ve advocated for change which Michael has taken significant steps to implement, but some men were afterall, dragged up to coin a British phrase. My advice is to just charge the experience in it’s entirety – whether good or bad – to the game.
November 30, 2023 at 5:34 pm #363407ABFHeaven is a wonderful dating and relationship site.
I’ve met all kinds of people (electronically) from all over the world. Most of them I’ll never meet.
I message people that have an interesting profile.
I try to be polite in my comms.
I have sometimes put my foot in my mouth. Size 8EEE doesn’t taste very good. 😜
I try to have fun. It beats being negative.I also don’t expect any response. Don’t get POed if a reply isn’t sent. It is not a requirement that I received a reply.
I accept that and continue on.Don’t fret over being blocked, ghosted, ignored, etc…
Be thankful and treat others as you wish to be treated.Okay done with my soapbox oration.😜
LLAPNovember 30, 2023 at 8:20 pm #363475I think I have upset a poster on this thread, to which Iam genuinely apologetic, if not a little confused.
What is the opinion here of guys chatting to girls on a purely platonic basis?November 30, 2023 at 8:22 pm #363477Good points, well written Sir
December 1, 2023 at 6:22 pm #363765As some who has been around the ABF/ANR community for 30 years now (gosh that makes me sound old!) I spent countless hours trying to gently educate men who were disrespectful to me on sites. Not always intentional I’m sure but other times very blatant.
I understand about being a toxic empath Rachel, I’ve not heard the term before but certainly have been that way in the past.
I truly believed I could make a difference and help men approach women in a way which would result in better outcomes for both men and women.
Then I realized I had to step away when I’d start to feel bitter, and like a piece of meat in piranha infested waters. I would stay away until I could be there without snapping at well meaning men who simply poked a sore spot so many other men had created through their ignorance or respect.
Sadly if women stay after the bitterness seeps in, their profiles start to read like a cautionary tale instead of a warm welcome of who they are looking for. That’s a huge turn off to the good men even.
I know from experience from years ago that having a profile like that does not work. It simply attracts more negativity.
Men are frequently scolded publicly on these sites, often with good reason, however…as women if we kick every man in the teeth who doesn’t navigate our wishes perfectly, no one benefits. More bitterness follows.
A couple of years ago when Johnny and I crossed paths here, my profile was finally to the point it was not written with the intention of driving undesirable men away, but to welcome one genuine soul who’d see me for me.
And what he’d written in his intrigued me. In part because he didn’t use up space to complain about how he’d been blocked at every corner, etc.
Collectively, if all of us in this community focus on the warmth and depth of connection that’s possible through ABF/ANR, perhaps the bitterness that can occur will gradually be replaced with respect and more connections being made.
Wishing you all well on your journey.
December 1, 2023 at 7:23 pm #363785Anonymous
InactiveLadyOceana I really identify with so much of what you’ve said and it’s good to hear advice from someone who has been a part of this community for such a long time, with so much experience of dealing with these issues.
Yeah a toxic empath doesn’t sound very nice. I give myself a hard time and take on too much of other peoples 💩 when I was going through some stuff about a year ago and I was trying to understand myself more. Codependent didn’t fit and white Knight syndrome (yes it can apply to women as well as men for anyone reading this who doesn’t realise that)wasn’t right either but toxic empath, as horrible as it sounds, pretty much nails it.
December 1, 2023 at 8:15 pm #363811@Rachy: An empath with less rigid boundaries perhaps?
@Ste: it really depends. My needs from the site change often. At times, it is my predominant virtual social venue. At other times, I am less interested in that and more focused on the search. A lot of this is dictated by what’s going on in my personal life.
@LadyO: loved how you phrased everything.
December 1, 2023 at 8:19 pm #363813Thanks Rose
December 1, 2023 at 11:35 pm #363885@rachyj What you’ve said really resonates with me! Often in my need to be needed, or feel valued, I would give much of my power away. It was a bad cycle I was caught in. Often causing me to be blind to red flags.
By the time Johnny came into life, I was at the place where I was content with who I was for the most part knowing there were far worse things than being content in my own company.
I’ve feel like I’ve grown leaps and bounds as a person since I met Johnny. Having said that, I’m certain I wouldn’t have been in the right place inwardly for a relationship with such powerful depth of connection that requires if I hasn’t reached that place first.
The journey of life is certainly an interesting path.
December 1, 2023 at 11:35 pm #363886@roseknows Thank you dear!
December 2, 2023 at 1:31 am #363903This discussion or observation is interesting. My take is no one is entilted to a response hence why I don’t bother placing such a value judgements when it comes to intial interactions with strangers. Its important to be mature enough to set boundaries and express expectations. But most importantly be prepared to move on or walk away.
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