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If she isn’t in your state and you’re not actually willing to move, please reconsider contacting them.
A very common reason I hear women are overwhelmed and just log out is because guys from out of state swarm their DMs. It isn’t hard to imagine it’s just for nudes or a quick easy nut. The constant barrage of messages (especially when there are men who don’t take rejection lightly) creates a negative experience that guys will likely not be able to relate to because we usually don’t have 20+ messages an hour.
I get it, boobs are nice. That’s the point, right? I have made that mistake myself early on and realized regardless if I am offering a compliment or have intentions on visiting, I am just one extra guy adding one extra unnecessary DM to a woman who already deals with tens to hundreds of other men just like me.
I know this post won’t be seen by everyone but I hope that enough will see and dial back their long distance Hail Mary for a titty and recognize if there are less of us sending energy wasting DMs to women, then women will be more comfortable and less overwhelmed trying to find a partner.
P.S. Please stop contacting women who are looking for women. It’s cringey every time it happens.
I will add a note by saying:
Sometimes some of us like to socialize and that’s nice. There are Kik abf and anr groups where people talk about the weather or football or what they had for breakfast. We’re social creatures and it’s not like I’m saying only reach out to women for one thing and *don’t* socialize with them.
Just that you have to recognize regardless of your intentions there are more men out there who overwhelm a woman’s DMs collectively and odds are you’re not helping as much as you think you are.
Agree 100%. Its clear as day on my profile I want no one outside my home country to contact me and yet the majority who do contact me live not only another country but the other end of the bloody world.
@Exerienced ABF thank you for the thoughtful post. You hit the nail on the head. I would add that unless a woman states she is interested in “drive by’s” — i.e. occasional or one time set ups — please don’t hound for that either. Women spend a lot of time swatting away those who don’t fit their profile requests, which lessens the time and energy available for those who are seriously looking. The blatant disregard of profiles is just disrespectful.
@flowrgardn thank you (and thank you to everyone else too). I have to admit I’m far from getting the hang of it (sometimes I really would like to compliment someone but I keep my mouth shut) but I felt like I needed to address this formally.
It is a constant thing and I am not at all surprised when I can’t reach out to a local because she already had enough from everyone else. It’s a constant here and other sites.
I also wonder why it is hard for guys to ask her for her preferences (if her profile doesn’t mention it), respectfully share yours, and just accept if it isn’t compatible. I’d hate to be with someone that I am not compatible with regardless if her cup size is A or Z and I’m sure she’d be miserable being with a schmuck like me so why put her through that?
Not to sound snarky but communication and respecting space can increase the rate of a successful meet (be it casual or long term) exponentially.
I’m a guy in search of a local female ABF partner and I think you are totally correct in what you say. You have shown real sensitivity. I suspect that what drives some of us men to contact out of state women is pure desperation. I live in California and you’d think there would be 100s of women from CA on this site, most of them in or near metro areas. In fact there is a small handful of women from CA here most of whom are either in Orange County or the Bay Area which leaves slim pickings for the men on this site who live all over CA. I agree that a shortage of women on this site does not excuse or justify bugging out-of-state women you will never travel to see, but at least we see the context. What we need is a Johnny or Joany Appleseed to spread the word about ABF across the country!
I have referred women to this site (some who seek other women) and lately I’ve been wondering if that was even the right move cuz sometimes I expose them to the same song and dance they get elsewhere. But I am hoping to see them have a better success rate here than having to lurk in other sites and risking message swarms (or worse yet, paying to chat) just to find a connection.
What a refreshing post.. Thank you! You are so right on.. Even though I am very clear in my profile what I am looking for.. I still get lots of “time wasting” msgs.. I used to send a polite reply.. now.. I mostly just ignore.. if they get creepy.. I just block..
@newyorknewwork while I truly appreciate the spirit of your post, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you, as a man, to purport to speak for the women of this site. First, we have agency and can speak for ourselves and don’t need a man to do it for us. Secondly, I would not want someone to think they should not message me because they don’t live nearby. Look at Lady Oceana and John!! If your advice had been heeded, they never would have gotten together. Because this is a very niche interest, you may never find someone local and may have to cast a wider net geographically. As someone looking for the relationship aspect of ANR, the connection and compatibility is more important to me than geography. Not to mention that unless a profile specifically says “local only” then how would they even know if I weren’t willing to move for love? Furthermore, due to the increase in people working remotely, many people can now consider relocating, when they couldn’t before. Your advice would really only apply if someone was seeking something casual, a more male perspective, which does not apply to a lot of the women, who are looking for relationships. As far as drive-bys, people just wanting to get off, ignoring requests on profiles, or otherwise wasting our time, you are spot on, but that applies regardless of geography.
…..something ive learned in my short week here is that you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t 🙂 I guess thats just life and how it will always be when you get such a huge mix of people.
So my observations for what they’re worth….I appreciate the sentiment that Experienced was trying to convey and it does reinforce the fact that there are lots of lovely people with respect and manners out there, where geography subsequently becomes less of an issue. It hopefully also explains why so many women probably choose to ignore or block with no explanation too.
I am doing my best not to become too jaded, as I dont want to write a profile of demands/ expectations or a list of do’s and don’ts……let’s see how long that lasts 🙂
However, the reply “im going to tell her I want a divorce soon” to “thank you but I’m not interested in married/involved men” isnt a big enough solution in my world…… likewise, “I’m mature and have years of experience in ANR/ABF ” (aged 22) also doesn’t match with my ‘mature’ preference either.
Maybe im very picky, but the following introductory lines (literally the first line of convo) don’t float my boat and I suspect won’t for the majority of women here either…….”do you do car meets?”……..(yes im great thankyou, how are you)…… “I usually have an hour between meetings, you could drive to me for a session” …….(ahhhh, so tempting, but im sticking pins in my eyes that day)…… and “I can host when my mum and dad go out”……..(maybe I could help you with your homework too….colour within the lines)………sigh!
I’m sure I haven’t been around long enough yet for the above examples to make me angry/ exasperated/ fed up and everything else. Its given me a chuckle and made me smile. You have to love people 🙂
I appreciate this post and your additional note.
I think that if men are able/willing to relocate or travel to their potential partner, it should be stated somewhere in the initial message to the woman!
1. Read our profile first.
2. If you don’t meet the criteria, but you still feel compelled to message, that’s fine! But your initial message should have some substance and make her want to reply to you! That means, “Hey beautiful, how are you?” is typically not going to cut it– at least not for me.
It’s very easy for me to write too much, so I’ll stop there lol
@effervescent1 you’re right, but I wanted to share something I learned coming from women themselves that has resulted in more negative results than positive ones. There are exceptions of course, this isn’t a one size fits all. Which is why I use words like “reconsider contacting them” and “regardless of your intentions”, because there are cases where someone may have better intentions but in all likelihood will fall right into the same bucket as all the other time wasting men.
Maybe I didn’t highlight it enough, but the point I made in saying “Regardless of your intentions” is me trying to say that guys need to recognize we are very likely one in a swarm of messages and need to be mindful of what experience we are contributing.
And you’re right, women definitely can speak for themselves. But it’s an odd shame that even when their profile explicitly states it, or even a forum post says “Locals only”, a guy still slides into her DMs with the “I wish you were closer!” game.
I don’t think I’m trying to speak for women per se, as I am trying to remind men that we have no clue what it is like for women and thus have to think extra careful on how our approach comes off. If it didn’t come off that way, my apologies as I didn’t realize the edit button wouldn’t exist for my initial post and I would have gladly fixed it.
I hope this clarifies the intent of my message.
@jen34ff just wanted to respond to a small bit, more of a fun response.
As a New Yorker where rent to sleep in a garage is probably just as much as rent for a full apartment somewhere else, I usually am shocked when I find out someone lives by themselves. It’s actually a nice icebreaker sometimes.
“I live with my family”
“Oh that’s alright, rent is too damn high anyway. I live in a studio by myself”
“Wow, lucky!”
“Yeah, the walls are paper thin and I had to sell my soul to the devil for the deposit. But at least the neighborhood is nice.”
etc. Etc. 😂
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