Chemistry, Privacy & Distance: The ABF/ANR Catch-22

[Anonymous]

I’ve often described meeting someone on a kink website as trying to push a shopping cart sideways. It can feel almost impossible.

ABF/ANR means different things to different people, and it’s easy for sexual chemistry to get way ahead of simply getting to know someone.

So how do you stay safe and protect your anonymity while learning enough to decide whether someone is trustworthy? And how do you respect their right to do the same?

A lot of people are especially guarded because they need to protect their careers or professional lives. Not wanting to immediately share your full identity doesn’t necessarily mean you have something to hide—but it does make getting to know each other harder.

Then there’s distance. We’re all busy, and meeting someone can mean a real investment of time and money. How do you decide when someone is worth that investment? And if you meet, click, and live hundreds of miles apart… how do you make it work?

[Benjamin Donachie]

Hey look I was feeling this person and taking it slow and got blocked for some dumb reason no explanation just ghosted this sucks I liked her but I guess bye and I’ll move on but see the issue is I invested time and parts of me into it I’m not getting back every time those pieces add up see how people get jaded and men are the issue really it’s like a game at times and I’m not talking about the guys who are out of line and pocket with their crap but dam dude what did I do and how do I go forward cause now it’s messed up I had an old account and had same crap happen so is it me is it a game ladies what the dam deal

[Sparkie]

Take it slow A no matter who pushes you or what. Your peace of mind is worth a lot more than finding someone who may or may not fit a certain kink you are looking for whether it’s abf or something else. If they are in a hurry let them rush past you but you stay slow and steady like that little tortoise… stay calm, centered, grounded, know your value and what you bring to the table. Take care of your mental physical and spiritual well being and then all things will seem better. The online world is sometimes as hard as the real world to navigate because of the unknowns and how easily people can disappear or appear as someone else. So keep calm, focused, be happy. Best of luck 🌺💕🤗

[MmmmTex]

It is possible to get to know someone, build rapport, even build trust over time via texts, phone calls & video chats. I have met with people from this website & others after getting to know them for at least a month before meeting in a public place. I’ve done meetups both locally & out of state.

By that point exchanging phone numbers & full names is natural because we are looking to date one another. If by that point they don’t want to exchange basic info then I won’t meet with them.

Communicating daily for a month or more lets both parties see any red flags or incompatibility issues. And then you can decide if meeting is the next step or not. Once you meet you can gage the vibe, chemistry, & attraction in person.

Keeping an LDR going is the tricky part but if both people are invested it can work.

I wish you success! Safety first 🤗

[Mountain Milk Maiden]

I think just like every person is an individual so goes each potential partnership/interaction.
I have found that being myself and holding true to both what I am looking for and my boundaries has been successful in me finding like minded partners as well as weeding out those who wouldn’t be a fit.
I keep my communication to this site until I have met someone in-person and we both have agreed we feel comfortable to move forward- there are many reasons for this and if a potential partner is unwilling to respect that, then they are not the right person for me.
Distance can be a great divider, but is also just a logistics issue that can be accommodated/worked around given the right partner, but it can often take time and mean longer periods apart. The partners just have to be willing to be open and honest about limitations and needs/wants.
Time is often a great revealer of intentions. So take the time, be a good communicator, ask questions, and be patient would be my advice.

[Qualitydrink 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🥰😎]

I love this forum, I’ve one called distance is it a problem.worth a read.
Getting to know someone who shares something so incredibly special and loving the attention that goes with it is sometimes very difficult if there are lots of miles, even oceans apart. It is possible to form friendships and relationships. Building a connection is so important. No pressures should be used. If its meant to be, things can happen. Costs can occur but ABF is priceless. Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

@sind (Sparkling) Thanks. I think I’m pretty good at cutting off love bombers. Nothing grosses me out more than excess, unwanted attention.
What I was getting to is that there seems to be an inherent push/pull dynamic in this space that leaves one feeling stuck.
I’m fortunate to have met some good guys from the site that just weren’t a match. Others I get to know slowly, even become endeared to, who disappear when it’s time to meet.
I’ve had far better luck dating locally and introducing them to ANR. But they are usually younger men with whom I’d never consider a serious relationship with, even if they will.

[Anonymous]

You’re very kind. Wishing you all the luck in your search as well!

[Lola 💋]

That shopping cart sideways analogy is painfully accurate.

I think the tricky part is that trust and privacy have to grow alongside each other. Nobody owes a stranger their full name, workplace, address and life story just to prove they’re legitimate, but you also can’t expect someone to invest time, money or emotional energy while remaining a complete mystery.

For me, it’s less about how quickly someone reveals things and more about whether they’re consistent over time. Do their stories line up? Do they respect boundaries without getting weird about them? Can they have an actual conversation that isn’t constantly trying to turn sexual?

And distance definitely raises the stakes. I’d need to feel pretty confident there was a genuine connection worth exploring before investing in a plane ticket and all the logistics that come with it. At some point, though, I think you have to accept that getting to know someone involves a little calculated risk and hope the shopping cart eventually decides to cooperate. 🫶🏻

[Author]

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