I identify as a ‘black sheep’, the family problem child or scapegoat; an outcast within my family’s dynamic. I actually said these words out loud a few days ago when I wrote a message to my only sibling whom I haven’t seen in over 5 years now due to my family members living abroad in various countries. Everything was always blamed on me since I can remember and have been mistreated in many ways due to this, no matter what I did or even when I complied and lost myself in the process to try to keep the peace.
These black sheep seem to be the reason the family always has issues and clearly stigmatised for it. However, these individuals frequently possess the most authentic perspective on their family’s dysfunction, primarily because they are highly sensitive people. Unlike others who may conform to family narratives, the scapegoat refuses to accept the lies that the family perpetuates, leading to significant emotional suffering. This honest insight into family issues, while painful, is a hallmark of their resilience and depth, often making them more attuned to the underlying problems that others may overlook. Recognizing the role of the scapegoat can be crucial for understanding family dynamics, addictions in adulthood, and promoting healing.
Children who experience neglect and childhood trauma often develop deep emotional scars that persist well into adulthood, shaping their self-perception and their ability to form healthy relationships. This happened to me unfortunately, and for many years, though I broke ties with my family, I did not realise this would not be enough and how damaging what they had done to me would be. Parental neglect can make children feel unworthy of love, security, and attention, creating a blueprint for how they view their value in future relationships. As adults, they may subconsciously seek out partners who mirror the neglect or mistreatment they experienced, equating love with pain or instability. This often leads them to accept less than they deserve, tolerating emotional abuse, manipulation, or neglect from romantic partners. Their unresolved trauma creates a cycle where they feel undeserving of healthy affection or respect, lowering their standards and reinforcing feelings of inadequacy. This has in fact, destroyed most of my adult life, and to this day, I have not yet known love. I have come a long way though as I am no longer needing to feel wanted or loved, or seeking to be rescued. In fact, these days I am not needing people at all, though I have opened doors to possibilities of perhaps meeting someone, one day, who has also done the work, and whose company I can enjoy, while we share and learn from each other. And perhaps…love.
In romantic relationships, black sheep often re-live the emotional chaos of their childhood. Fear of abandonment, which stems from early neglect, can cause them to cling to unhealthy partners, tolerate mistreatment, or ignore red flags to avoid being alone. They may confuse abuse or emotional unavailability with love, having internalized the belief that love is something to be earned through suffering. This can lead to patterns of codependency, where they prioritize their partner’s needs at the expense of their own, seeking validation from external sources rather than within. Without addressing their childhood trauma, they may struggle to break free from toxic dynamics, perpetuating the cycle of pain and emotional neglect. I spent many years engaging in therapy to understand my patterns and how I had contributed to the hellish nightmare that my life had become, but also to try to understand why my parents mistreated me. I even went as far as to study psychology and now hold a Diploma in Jungian psychology and see patients privately. I really needed to understand what I had done to deserve all this. But as one of my therapists plainly put it, while we can speak of NPD or other mental health conditions there is is also the fact that “not everyone that crosses our path is a good person”. This took me a long time to learn, and while it hasn’t hardened me, it has made me much more cautious and made me approach all my relationships from different angles.
Black sheep often carry the emotional weight of the family’s unresolved conflicts throughout their lives, serving as the lightning rod for blame and tension. While they are frequently misunderstood and marginalized, their sensitivity to dysfunction makes them the ones most aware of the unspoken issues. This awareness comes at a great personal cost, as they are often scapegoated for problems that are not of their making. Rather than internalizing the lies or toxic behaviors that family members may uphold, the scapegoat sees through them, refusing to participate in the charade. This refusal can lead to alienation, but it also highlights their inner strength and emotional honesty, distinguishing them from other family members who may be too entrenched in denial to recognize the family’s harmful patterns.
Despite being labeled as the source of dysfunction, the scapegoat’s ability to call out these harmful dynamics can also make them key figures in breaking generational cycles of trauma and abuse. Their willingness to confront difficult truths, often in the face of significant emotional resistance, positions them as natural agents of change. However, this role can also lead to self-destructive patterns in adulthood, such as addiction or unhealthy relationships as I had for many years with abusive narcissistic men (who initially were charming), as they try to cope with the burden of being the family’s emotional dumping ground. By recognizing the importance of the scapegoat’s perspective, families—and individuals—can begin to heal, addressing the root causes of their dysfunction rather than continuing to project it onto those who dare to see the truth.
I needed to share this somewhat heavy post today as many of us have suffered this, even if few are willing to admit, but hope that my own journey and this post can perhaps bring you some comfort. For years I was made to sound like crazy for calling out the abuse, and the smear campaign has continued but now I have cut those people out of my circle of trust it matters little. Sometimes all we can do after trying to fix things, is for our own sanity, to walk away. But truly walk away, not just physically, and stop letting them live rent free in our hearts and minds. Family is the most important thing to me (and love), and because I now do have a family, even if it’s just my son, my cat and network of trusted friends, I’ve had to end all contact. I broke the cycle, and hope my child can have a better future.
Family is not always blood…remember that.
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Elayne (Sophia Unveiled)
This is an amazing piece of writing, and very much appreciated.
Thank you so much for this really lovely surprise comment! It was really lovely to see you here today 😉 thank you! I will write more on the subject but having “run away” from home at age 18 did not mean I had run away from all the issues that had hurt me and unfortunately, would continue to follow me until about a decade or so ago. For me family and love are the 2 things that have always mattered the most, and yet, I have been unable to have them though I tried so hard. They still matter to me, but that wound, both a mother and father wound, scarred me deeply and would set the stage for many failed relationships. Not because I did not have any love to give, but on the contrary, because I was so starved for love I would accept anything thrown at me, similarly to the few moments and breadcrumbs I got from my parents. Tolerating narcissistic behavior but also people who did not really want me or love me, because it was a familiar pattern, one I had grown up with at home. There were some good moments of course, as some I had with my parents, although few, which is why one becomes a dependent and finds it so hard to leave a relationship that is soul-destroying. They can’t be that bad? He/she had a bad day (this article also applies to men btw), and so we go on making excuses. I did this for many years, just like I did for my parents until I had had enough and rescued myself.
For a relationship to work, we need to come to it from a healthy place, and while I don’t agree that we need to be happy and have all our ducks in a row before initiating a relationship, we do need to have done enough work on ourselves to realise why previous relationships did not work and look at what role our childhood may have played. While the work is ongoing, I have done this, I took time out to raise a child and barely have any relationships due to this and working on myself.
We need to take time out sometimes, and that means also from relationships, but the work…is ongoing always for all of us. Much love your way x
Hi Elayne
This is very very insightful, I thank you very much for sharing. I’m really happy to know that you’re in a much better state than before and I hope you’ll always find kind and honest people in your path.
It’s sort of crazy to think about all the inner pain that someone in this scenario could go through.
Hello Rock, so lovely to read you and thanks so much for this thoughtful comment and following my work!
Pain and suffering change us, and while we often resist them and facing the things which bring us pai, when we do embrace them, and go into the underworld willingly, experiencing destruction, we also experience growth and resurrection. It is a painful dark gift but one with the promise of new beginnings. I have had more than my fair share of pain, but also because I refuse to be hardened by it, even if more cautious, some people, as you all know from what I shared here and people I met on here, will take advantage of this. Often because they themselves are not healed either or refuse to do the work, not many can handle deep pain and grief that comes with dealing with our shadow side, and also accepting our accountability for the things that have happened to us.
I was abused emotionally and physically, not sexually, by my caregivers and that is a deep wound. It never did stop me from trusting others but rather threw me into the arms of people that did not deserve me as I was so starved for love. Like a child, I am perhaps naive in this, but I still believe in giving everyone in my path a blank slate. However these days, they really need to earn access to me, even if hey have a blank slate and at the first signs of a red flag (now thankfully I see them) I will be gone. I have no problems in leaving the table when respect is no longer served. But agree all this pain was unnecessary and I would have given anything to have found my life partner early on in life and had some “normality”. Instead, I can now help others who suffered similar with my experience. It is good to give back, but I often wish life had been different.
I’ll be online later, I hope you are having a good week!
Hello,
First of all, thanks for writing this post. I resonate with much of it being a black sheep myself. In my case there were two issues that never stopped haunting my relationships until I left my blood-family behind: religion and my blindness-since-birth.
Even though my family tried to accept me being blind, I don’t think they ever fully did. I felt alone and different in almost all occasions and, ironically so, I was left feeling the most lonely in the religious meetings my family forced me to take part in. No one came to speak to me or so much as greet me apart from my family during those meetings. Afterward, I would hear people saying that this and this person was there, and I’d be like ah well, they could’ve at least said hi.
As it often is with strict societies, this religion, too, shouted out loud of being permissive and open-minded and that everyone are welcome, but they acted on the contrary. I never felt welcome during all those years in the religion.
Leaving the religious past behind was not an easy process, and it will never leave me fully. We have a saying for it, we say that the religion is in your bloodstream, and doesn’t fully get out no matter how you change your way of living.
These days I don’t talk to most of my family. I feel much better as a hermit, allbeit that I hope to find a partner one day. If there’s one thing that these great struggles to regrow my identity has taught me, it’s inner strength. I was viewed a rebel but at the same time I’ve never felt so free as I now do, after leaving the past behind and living the life I want, alone but happy. Here’s hoping that loneliness may one day subside.
Great piece of writing. I study psychological trauma as part of my job, and I was surprised and elated to see your post here. Prevention starts with awareness. I highly recommend the book “The Body Keeps the Score” for anyone who hasn’t yet read it.