Can we talk about safety?

The main goal of many on the site is to locate a partner. There have been some forum posts that have underlying discussions about safety but nothing in one space. Sometimes people are in frenzy or eagerly looking for their first/next session, this can lead to poor decisions and/or choosing someone who does not mesh with you.

We all have boundaries and they should be shared between both parties. Remaining firm in your boundaries or values doesn’t make you less of a person, its shows self-assurance and integrity. No one should try to coerce, manipulate, or shame you into doing anything. Someone who cannot respect your boundaries online, will not respect your boundaries in person. If you decide to move forward with the meeting regardless of uncertainty to “see where it goes”, be mindful of all the interactions.

Red flags during online conversations
(Some were personally done or said to me, some are based on what others have shared)

-Repeatedly asking for pictures when you don’t want to share. This is any type and is not limited to nudes.
-Request for sexual acts when you’ve verbalized in chat or profile that you want a nonsexual relationship or encounter.
-Attempts to change your hard limits (whatever that is to you).
-Pushing to engage in a session immediately and it’s not a mutual decision

Comments:
“I’m the best suckler you’ll ever meet, I’ve never had any complaints. You’re missing out, you should give me a try.”
“You said you wanted someone close, I’m in your area. Why can’t we meet? What more do you want?”
“I’ll pay you for your time.”
“I’m a size (insert bra size), you’ll love nursing from me.”
“You said you want milk, I’m fully induced.”

“You’re a (insert job title), where’s your compassion”
This was personally said to me after I declined meeting a THIRD time, they said they were too nervous to meet twice before. Your career/job has nothing to do with being shamed into a meeting.

“I’m going to post your pics if you don’t meet with me.”
*Be mindful of the type of pictures you are sharing. Are you sharing your face in nudes? Revenge Porn Laws vary by State and in the UK.*

Meeting in Real Life

Request to know their real name; not their ABFH, Reddit, or FetLife name. (This can be requested long before the first meeting.)

It’s best practice to meet in a neutral space before a session. If a session is NOT meant to follow, be sure your partner is aware. Should there be a plan to have a session and you change your mind; it is your personal decision and that is ok. If the conversation turns into shaming, coercion, or manipulation, end the interaction and seek help if necessary.

The first interaction in real life doesn’t have to be long and drawn out. It doesn’t hurt to leave time for another meeting. Set a timeframe for the interaction “I have 20 minutes, 30 minutes, or an hour to meet.” If that person is for you, you will have many more interactions.

Before meeting/session, share with someone you trust where you are going. If they are unaware of your kink, choose something that allows you to check in after. Determine if you have the ability to share your location, as an added layer of safety. Check in after the meeting/session and let that person of choice know you are done and safe. Share your session/dates until you feel comfortable with your partner to stop if you decide to.

Overall, know what you are consenting to and both parties are still aware of the online conversations.

Consent is a whole discussion of its own.

Remind that person of your boundaries and hard limits before entering the session.

Be aware of your surroundings:
Where is your meeting location for a non-session? Does the location have enough foot traffic without others being intrusive? Public spaces are highly recommended, if there is pressure to come directly to their home or hotel room first proceed with caution. (I wouldn’t be going but I know there are some risk-takers.)

When meeting at someone’s residence, ask who else lives there or if others are visiting while you are present. Know your exit(s). Where are you parking; around the corner, in front of the residence, garage, or in a lot? Are they walking you to your vehicle? Is the area safe? (look a crime maps)

This is very basic information not an exhaustive list of safety tips. Make the best decision for you before engaging in an intimate act(s) with someone. It’s okay to be eager to meet a partner, be safe in your actions. No one is obligated to do anything and No is a complete sentence. If someone is uncomfortable, a reasoning is not needed for your closure, a reasoning it a courtesy.

Share red flags, safety tips, or protocols you use to remain safe that may help another member in the community.