Healthy Sexuality: Embracing Our Shadows and Unlocking Authentic Desire

Healthy sexuality is an essential aspect of our overall well-being, yet it often remains shrouded in mystery, shame, and repression. This is especially true when it comes to the taboo subject of erotic lactation or ABF/ANR, which society views as a kink or fetish. In the works of Esther Perel, a leading psychotherapist specializing in relationships and sexuality, and Carl Jung, the renowned psychologist and founder of analytical psychology, we find profound insights into the human experience of desire, taboo, and the shadow self. Today, I’d like to explore with all of you how we can embrace our authentic sexual selves, confront our taboos while communicating our desires to our partners, and integrate these aspects of our identity into a fulfilling and balanced life.

The Problem of Repression in Modern Sexuality
Sexuality is a fundamental part of the human condition, yet societal norms often encourage suppression of our sexual urges, especially when they deviate from convention. Perel emphasizes that modern relationships often demand monogamy, transparency, and emotional safety while leaving little room for the wild, untamed aspects of our sexual nature. Repression leads to disconnection—not just from our partners, but from ourselves.

Carl Jung would argue that repressing such impulses feeds the shadow—the unconscious repository of all parts of ourselves we disown. When we repress our sexual desires, they don’t disappear; they lurk in the shadow, manifesting as guilt, shame, or compulsive behavior. Confronting and integrating these aspects of the self is essential for healing and wholeness.

Jung’s Shadow: Owning Our Taboos
Jung saw the shadow as a crucial part of the psyche that holds the key to self-knowledge. The shadow contains not only our fears and weaknesses but also the desires and instincts we deem unacceptable. Sexual taboos are fertile ground for shadow work, as they confront our deepest fears about morality, rejection, and societal judgment.

Embracing the shadow doesn’t mean acting out every urge; rather, it involves recognizing and accepting those desires as part of the self. Jung believed that unintegrated shadow elements could dominate and sabotage our lives, whereas bringing them to consciousness allows us to make deliberate, ethical choices about how to engage with our instincts. If we don’t acknowledge the shadows, they will take over our lives! However, if we try to use porn or adultery as a band-aid, we will add even more shadows that will demand to be dealt with or will eat us up and destroy our lives…

For example, someone might be embarrassed about a fetish or kink they find arousing like erotic lactation. Instead of suppressing or demonizing these feelings, Jungian thought would suggest reflecting on their origin and meaning. What unmet need or emotional truth might this desire reveal? And where is the shame coming from? By exploring rather than condemning these impulses, we can transform shame into self-awareness and empowerment. Although I must give you the small-print now: truth is never quite what we expect it to be, and is messy, and will often require great sacrifices.

Esther Perel on Desire and Liberation
Esther Perel takes a similarly compassionate approach to our complex sexualities. She challenges the notion that desire is inherently sinful or dangerous, urging us to see it as a vital source of aliveness and creativity. Perel’s work focuses on helping individuals and couples navigate the tension between safety and novelty, intimacy and freedom, love and lust.

When it comes to kinks and fetishes, Perel advises approaching them with curiosity and openness. In her book Mating in Captivity, she highlights that many people use sexual fantasies as a way to explore hidden aspects of their psyche. Far from being deviant, these fantasies can serve as a healthy outlet for reconciling internal conflicts or experimenting with roles and dynamics that feel taboo in everyday life.

Perel suggests normalizing and communicating about these desires within relationships. Rather than framing a kink as “weird” or “wrong,” partners can discuss their boundaries, triggers, and mutual interests in a safe, nonjudgmental environment. This approach fosters trust and allows for deeper intimacy. Also, by both willing to engage and learn about sexuality and in in the case in question, erotic lactation, we can discover the origins of this practice which is archetypal and therefore in our spiritual DNA inherited from our ancestors. This was my case, although my main motive for researching it was as part of a larger historical project which took me back to the earliest times of our existence. What began as research, became a cathartic journey to the depths of my psyche and has changed many things in my life. While the journey is deeply personal for each individual, the goddess archetype is intimately tied to the nurturing and erotic power of breast milk and lactation—an energy many women suppress, burdened by societal shame and the patriarchy’s long history of demonising female sexuality. Embracing this archetype could transform not only self-perception but also the richness of intimate lives. However, such a shift requires partnership. Men must play their part by awakening their partners to the goddess within, cherishing her with reverence and devotion, and reminding her of the divine essence she embodies. Together, this dance can be one of profound connection and rediscovery.

The Role of Fantasy and Exploration
Fantasy plays a central role in navigating our shadow desires. Perel emphasizes that fantasies often thrive on elements of transgression, power dynamics, or taboo because these themes tap into deep psychological archetypes (patterns or ways of acting from the beginnings of our existence and which live within us, even if we are not aware of them). Exploring these fantasies—whether in thought or consensual practice—can be liberating.

However, acting on such fantasies must always respect consent and ethical boundaries. Perel’s advice is clear: communication is key. If someone has a fetish or kink they wish to explore, they should engage in honest, shame-free dialogue with their partner. This requires vulnerability and courage but can lead to profound connection and growth. I have spoken privately with many of you—some single, unable to broach the subject of erotic lactation with partners, and others married, struggling to revive intimacy or initiate honest conversations. While my advice varies depending on your unique circumstances, the foundation remains the same: open, honest communication is essential.

Intimacy isn’t just about taking off your clothes; it’s about removing the emotional masks we wear. If you’ve shared your body but not your true desires, fears, or fantasies, then part of your relationship may have been a façade. This can be a painful truth to confront, but it is also a pivotal one. No partnership can thrive without vulnerability and authenticity.

To restore—or even discover for the first time—a deeper connection, begin by cultivating the courage to express yourself openly. Create a space where both you and your partner can listen without judgment. As Perel advises, approach these conversations not with demands or shame, but with curiosity and compassion. By daring to share your innermost self, you invite your partner to do the same, opening the door to a richer, more authentic bond. Only then can intimacy truly flourish.

How to Embrace and Integrate Our Sexual Shadows

1. Self-Acceptance
Acknowledge that your sexual desires, no matter how unconventional, are part of your humanity. Practice self-compassion and reject the internalized shame imposed by cultural or familial conditioning.

2. Reflect and Journal
Use Jung’s method of active imagination or journaling to engage with your shadow. Write about your fantasies or desires, exploring what they might symbolize in your life.

3. Educate Yourself
Learn about the psychology and physiology of desire. Understanding that kinks and fetishes are common and rooted in natural human behavior such as that of erotic lactation (once an almost universal practice) can normalize your experience. Also, get to know yourself and your dominant archetypes. For example, as in the work of another Jungian, Dr. Jean Shinoda Bolen’s book Goddesses in Every Woman, if a woman has the three Virgin Archetypes completely (Athena, Artemis & Hestia) and none of the other Archetypes, she can be 99% Asexual. This book was life-changing for me and the reason why I am here today writing this article but also allowed me to work with the archetypes instead of letting them run the show. There is also one for men – Gods in Every Man: Archetypes that Shape Men’s Lives – everyone should read these or educate themselves in archetypes for a better life overall.

4. Communicate
If you’re in a relationship, talk openly with your partner about your desires. Frame the conversation in terms of curiosity and mutual exploration rather than demands or ultimatums.

5. Seek Therapy if Needed
If shame or repression feels overwhelming, working with a therapist trained in sexuality can provide a safe space to unpack these feelings. Both Jungian analysts and sex-positive therapists can offer invaluable guidance. Note that I am qualified to provide these services, so if you’d like a consultation please reach out.

6. Create Rituals of Exploration
For those seeking to explore their sexual shadows, consensual role-playing, BDSM, or other structured practices can provide a safe container. These practices often incorporate rituals that establish boundaries and enhance trust.

Finding Relief Through Integration
True relief from the burdens of repression comes from integrating our shadow into our conscious self. Jung reminds us that wholeness requires embracing all parts of ourselves, including our taboo desires. Perel’s work complements this by offering practical tools to navigate and express these aspects in healthy ways. Being a Jungian myself, trained in archetypal psychology and psychospiritual counselling but also ancient energies of Tantra, the most important advice I can give you is similarly to mindfulness, to be wholly present with your partners but also true to them and ourselves. Note that I offer private consultations online and have been helping couples and people with many issues for years, so please feel free to reach out as sometimes, we do indeed need guidance or someone to listen.

When we stop demonizing our sexual selves and start embracing our authentic desires, we not only heal the wounds of repression but also unlock deeper levels of intimacy, creativity, and self-understanding. Healthy sexuality is not about conforming to societal standards but about cultivating a relationship with ourselves and others that is rooted in honesty, respect, and joy.

Conclusion: Toward a Liberated Sexuality
As Esther Perel and Carl Jung teach us, healthy sexuality begins with self-acceptance and curiosity. By confronting the shadow and exploring our desires with openness and integrity, we can transform shame into freedom and repression into connection. The journey is not always easy, but it is profoundly rewarding—both in the bedroom and beyond. Harm no one, embrace honesty and kindness but also desire and always stay true!

All my love, Elayne x

Contact me:
 Elayne (Sophia Unveiled)