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An ANR is supposed to be based on trust, sharing and intimacy. So why would someone purposefully lie about their marital or attachment status from the outset? Isn’t that a set-up for immediate mistrust and ultimately the destruction of a relationship? Is there a thrill seeing what one can get away with, some titillation or other nefarious reason why someone would lie when pursuing a partner for an ANR?
This has happened to me at least twice (that I’ve known about) here on ABF Heaven in the past couple of months. A man in hot pursuit, love bombing by chatting/texting/phone calling a lot…until you realize that something is “off”, an inconsistency or a slip in a conversation that sets the alarm bells ringing. Confrontation always makes them run or ghost.
One fellow was in hot pursuit for a week…and then when it came time to commit to and plan a meeting, he suddenly became too busy to chat/text/talk on the phone. Another would only communicate during business hours during the week and said that he turned off his phone at night and on weekends, so was incommunicado (who really does that?). RED FLAGS. Both, when confronted about the inconsistencies in their stories or their absence from communication, ran for the hills. Conclusion: MARRIED/Attached. And less than 24 hours after the confrontation and cutting off communication completely, they were back on this site looking for their next “foil”.
Gentlemen: If you want an ANR, you have to be honest with your potential partner about your situation and availability. Let the woman decide if she wants to pursue an ANR within your life constraints. Stop playing games and get some integrity about yourself and your life. You are hurting women..both the ones you are married to/attached to, and the one(s) you have on the sideline. This kind of game playing is a form of sociopathic behavior and will never result in a successful ANR.
Ladies: Don’t fall prey to false promises. Keep your head/logic/reason in the dating/ANR game…and know that for many men here, it is just that…a game. Trust builds slowly and steadily and love-bombing is often a sign that you are caught in someone else’s lies and games.
What do the ladies and gents here think? Can you weigh in?
Here’s a good article…
6 Signs The Guy You Met On A Dating App Is Already Married
TANVI AKHAURI
November 30, 2020It isn’t impossible. It has been known to happen to thousands of women across the world. A 2015 survey surmised that out of 1,282 active Tinder users (at the time there were around 50 million people on Tinder), “nearly 30 percent of Tinder users are married, while another 12 percent are in a relationship.” The anonymity of online identity has been beneficial to many married men who find the lure of adultery exciting. And not just in major US and UK markets, but India too.
Aanchal (name changed), currently living in New Delhi, tells us of a similar incident that happened with an almost-married man when she was 21. “I met him via a dating app. We went on a couple of dates, hooked up once, but he wasn’t for me I felt. So I told him as much. But he persisted and pleaded we stay connected on chat at least. I assented. A few days later, I stumbled upon his Facebook account, and a few posts and pictures later, I found he was engaged to be married soon. He hadn’t said a word about it to me. I thought it best to inform his fiancée, and so I messaged telling her about all that had happened. I soon got a call from her, screaming at me about how all the messages were my fault and that she trusted her soon-to-be husband way more than a random girl. It was very, very messy. And guess what? The guy, in all this, had taken a backseat on the action.”
Falling prey to married men on the internet and becoming romantically involved with them is never the victim’s fault (as long as she genuinely has no knowledge of his relationship status). It’s a game that’s out of her hands, either through the play of bad luck or just naivety. Unfortunately, in the arena of online love, women cannot afford to be naive anymore. To enjoy internet dating to its optimum, we have to be smarter, keener, and very judicious. We owe it to ourselves.
Here are six red flags that should immediately alert your senses to the possibility that the man you’re talking to/dating online might be married or otherwise attached:
1. Secretive About His Personal Life
A guy you’re genuinely interested in, and who shows equal interest in you, will encourage a healthy back-and-forth conversation. Conventional online dating is largely based upon a question-answer type chat as the first method to get to know the other person. If you find that he holds back on very many details about his life, especially the most foundational ones like where he lives, what he does, his friends, family, pets, interests, your senses must perk up. If he prefers only listening to your side of the story without divulging similar details about his own life, then there are chances he may be married and is trying to keep a low-profile online.
2. Photos Are Too Less, Too Blurry, or No Photos
Note the pattern of his photos. If he is prudent in sharing pictures with you, has a minimal visual presence online, and his photos appear morphed or cropped too close, then something may be up. That’s not to say that shy or introverted men don’t exist. They do. But you have to try and make the differentiation between privacy and secrecy. Married men who indulge in dating often create safety nets around them by removing social media traces to avoid being tracked. Try looking him up on other social platforms (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) to see if you can find more information/photos than he lets on to you.
3. Takes Impossibly Long To Respond, Gives Excuses
Okay, get this. Someone who is actually interested in you will find excuses to talk to you. They’ll make time for you, even if it means going out of their way to drop in and say ‘hi’ without any apparent reason. That’s sweet and what the initial stages of dating look like. Now if the guy you’re talking to is taking too long to respond, it may either mean that he’s not really into you or is committed. Watch out for the time he chooses to message you. Try to notice a pattern, if any. See if he is coming up with excuses each time you want to initiate a conversation. If he takes his own sweet time to respond and evades answering when you ask him about it, something’s up.
4. Never Lets You Select The Date/Time/Place Of Meeting
Dating apps aren’t designed to be the be-all and end-all in your pursuit of love. They’re a first step towards meeting people you would like to. And meeting could also mean really, physically meeting. So if you find your online match bailing on you every time you ask to meet him, and in turn tries to take sole command over when, why, and how you both should meet, that’s a major red flag. A meeting for you may depend on emotion, but for him, will depend on convenience. He will have to spin a spider web of the perfect timing, date, and place with the least-risk situation, lest his scammy two-timing be busted. Be careful.
5. Seems To Be Travelling A LOT
People travel for work, leisure, and whatnot. But it’s highly improbable for a working individual to be taking vacation-length leaves in this day and age. Especially during the pandemic, when travel is restricted. If you aren’t able to reach your online date, his phone’s out of network, and he always gets back to you with a loose “hey, sorry I was travelling,” it’s highly suspect. Travelling is the most convenient lie he can tell you when he’s busy with family or preoccupied with his domestic life. So, look out for any slip-ups in conversation. One way to do that would be to ask him at a later date about a trip he mentioned and see if it checks out with what he had said to you earlier.
6. Says He Lives With Friends/Roommates
Roommate – you know what that’s code for. A partner, perhaps. Technically, a married man wouldn’t be lying if he told you he lives with a friend/roommate. But on all other counts, yes. He will obviously deny you the opportunity of venturing anywhere near where he lives if he has a full home. Again, if you ask to meet his friends or drop into his place for a bit or even send pictures of his room, chances are, he won’t consent. It will be easy for him to deny you these privileges on account of his friends being “messy” or “dudes,” overtly telling you that you’re far better away from all that.
And yes, you will be far better, and safer, away from guys like these if you want to have a knot-free, truthful love life. So get onto those dating apps, go after the love you seek; but don’t forget your safety harnesses.
Read more at: https://www.shethepeople.tv/top-stories/opinion/6-signs-the-guy-you-met-on-a-dating-app-is-already-married/
Wow! I agree, trust is so important for both parties when it comes to ABF, and all relationships for that matter. It really stings every time your trust is betrayed
I don’t trust anyone who claims they are “completely committed” to me just a day or less of talking, which has definitely happened, even from people from here. Or they try to convince me that “this will work out!” and that I “just have to be willing to compromise”, also just a day or two after talking with me.
Then there’s the ones who pile on the compliments and the grandious words, basic love bombing. Nope. That’s a great way to lose me.
Or the ones who immediately pressure me to meet up with them when all I have done is message “hi!”.
All these things have happened from guys here. It’s creepy, causes me to have panic attacks and will get you blocked.
But I also pay attention to when they are more active and when they aren’t. When it goes on all day during “work hours”, but trickles or stops near dinner time, I assume they are married. There’s a definite pattern. I’ll talk to married people, but nothing more. So unless you only want to be friends, I’m paying attention to your “busy hours”.
But honestly, tell me you’re married. Let ME make the decision of I’m okay with that or not. Don’t make it for me because that’s just being a liar and deceitful, not just to me, but your spouse, your kids, your family. How is that fair to them?
Just my thoughts on it.
Yeah, unfortunately I’ve had married and otherwise attached men messaging me and asking to meet up. It’s none of my business what other people get up to if it doesn’t involve me, but they’re not the kind of people I’m interested in getting to know. Anyone using the word discrete makes me wary.
I’ve also noticed what FoxyGoddess mentioned about what time of day people are online, that makes it pretty obvious as well. I’m also aware of members who delete their accounts and create new ones when they get found out, or want to avoid being found out by their partner or someone they’ve previously known.
I have no idea if this is more common within the adult breastfeeding community than other online dating sites because I’m not interested in dating without ANR/ABF, but I think it’s an unnecessary complication and a sign of someone with significant issues.
Oh damn. No replies from men 😳 do you think they’re all at it, ladies? 😂🤣
Same here. Had been chatting to a “self confessed single man” for months. Only came to light when he said he was going on holiday for a week with the lads. I messaged him to say enjoy the holiday and message didnt deliver for a week. I knew instantly it was a second phone. When i challenged him he admitted he was unhappily married with 2 kids amd had been on holiday with them. Not my problem. Will never trust him again.
Lol, great Global stats! Scientifically of course, it is the nature of the beast for population and evolution. It’s simply human nature. It’s why every female member here gets deluged. Normal mating behavior of the species. The more colorful, elaborate, secretive, creative, conversational, empathetic, sympathetic, etc., the chaser, the more attracted the chased become. Simple human nature.
If a chased has concerns, guidelines, limits, criteria, or requirements they should be up front as to their expectations, though those are only their expectations. The chaser is not responsible for their partners expectations or fulfilling them, that’s the responsibility of the chased.
There may have been replies from men if this was a “Women only” topic.😜😂🤣
@ToT. Yes, it is human nature, and as responsible adults and community citizen, one is expected to behave in an honorable way, tell the truth, and rise above one’s baser “animal” instincts. When the “chased” as you put it, is very clear about their requirements, guidelines, limits, criteria and boundaries, and the “chaser” knowingly falsifies their information in order to make themselves appear to be within those said “guidelines, boundaries, limits, requirements” etc, it is a violation of trust and needs to be called out. We are all responsible for ourselves, of course, and for maintaining our own boundaries, but there is also an expectation of decency when sharing personal and sometimes intimate information. For a relationship to be successful, the “chaser” and the “chased” must be responsible for their own integrity…that’s what makes them civilized adults.
Yogi, I don’t disagree with your sentiment. I’m just a little more connected to reality, especially from a statistical standpoint. The likelihood of finding an honest forthright male human is about 18% globally.
We’re the flowers, they’re the worker bees.
@ToT. Them numbers are discouraging indeed. I’d rather be alone than with a cro-magnon man who hasn’t risen above his base instincts…
Not sure it’s as simple as dividing individuals into honourable or dishonorable. Let’s not forget that that the statistics are pretty damning when it comes to females as well as males. An estimated 10% of men are raising at least one child who they believe to be their biological offspring, but are actually someone else’s 😳
There are women on here who are married and asking for discretion to go behind their husbands’ backs because they’re in otherwise happy marriages, just with men who don’t want the ANR element in their relationship.
I understand the point of this post was to talk about married men deceiving women on here, and I wholeheartedly agree that’s wrong. What I’m responding to in this particular reply, is the idea that men are inherently more dishonorable than women. I think women have just as much potential to deceive, but are less likely to be exposed, because society expects it less from us and I’m ashamed to say, women generally make more convincing liars than men. Controversial I know, but my mother is a narcissist, so I can spot it a mile off.
@rachy
Maybe women are just as likely to lie…I don’t know because that is not my target market. The married women’s profiles are pretty clear about them being married, and even some men’s profiles are too. It’s the ones who tell you they are single and aren’t that this post is about.
Yeah, I understand. That’s why I said at the end of my previous reply that I was responding to the replies about people being dishonorable.
While I’ve not seen it on here, I have come across women who are not single but not being open about it on other sites(non anr/abf ones). So as Rachy says it happens to us guys as well. Never seems as common because at the end of the day I don’t think there’s a site out there where the number of active men heavily outweighs the number of women.
All you can do is keep your guard up and find the red flags that work for you.
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