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Was picking up lunch, trolling Reddit with a sandwich in one hand, when I came across a random post…something in /r/relationships or /r/askreddit or something. It asked:
“What is one thing you wish everyone could already know about you before dating you?”
Most people said things like “Let me introduce you to my thousands of unfinished projects” or “I suffer from social anxiety but I’m a great bus driver” – almost the sort of self-deprecating humor one would expect on a first date.
Then I felt the urge to chime in, and hours later I’m still worked up over it:
“That I’m (43M) married to a (43F) lesbian. It didn’t start that way; we dated since high school and while the sex was massively infrequent and unfulfilling I figured that was just the way it was until she came out during COVID. I wish I could leave her. She likes me but doesn’t love me, and I don’t like her much anymore despite being in love. But, we have two kids together, a mortgage, etc…, and I make nearly 10x her income, which means if I left she’d have her whole life uprooted. She’d be impoverished, possibly homeless, probably forced to move in with her parents, and I can’t just abandon her like that – not after her finally figuring out who she really is. And that’s to say nothing for what us separating would do to my boys. They live a pretty comfortable life: they’re happy, pretty well-adjusted, and able to pursue their passions and goals without many obstacles. Plus I was a child of a pretty thermonuclear divorce and I just can’t do that to my sons. So, that’s where I am. I make good money, am emotionally stable, live pretty clean, am pretty damn nerdy and creative, I try to be kind, and I’d fall in love with a wooden fence if it paid me a compliment. I have the ability to dote on a good woman, spend real time with her, and my wife is legitimately eager for me to find someone and be happy. But whoever tries to date me has to contend with the reality that I’m not leaving my family, no matter how much I want to. Not for years at least. Because no matter what I want or how much I want it, their needs come first.
…it probably makes me a dealbreaker.”
I wrote it, I hit send, and like usual nothing came of it but a couple random downvotes – no big deal. But I kept thinking about it, dwelling on it, and by dinner I realized how much what I wrote hurt. It hurt to admit to myself where I am, how I got here, how impotent I feel I am to make any change, and most importantly how much I’m kidding myself into thinking I’ll meet someone. It hurt to hear myself complaining rather than doing anything to better myself and my situation. It hurt because I’m so lonely that I publish my personal frustrations on Reddit rather than talk to a person – that I don’t have any people to talk to about it at all.
How did I get here? What did I do? What did I do wrong? Is a stable but unfulfilling life the reward I get for “making all the right choices as an adult”?…I don’t really have a point here. This post doesn’t have a strong conclusion or some call to action. I just hope I’m a rare case. I don’t wish living unhappy on anyone – I want everyone out there to find the kind of love they hope for. I…I just wish I could too.
1. You’re a great writer. I originally thought this was fiction and said, “WTF did I just read? Why is this person just pasting some random crap from the Internet or something from ChatGPT in here?”
2. And then I had to reread it, (and your profile).
There is a lot to unpack here. I usually advocate for some kind of clean split / separation but I empathize with you. Have you talked to your wife? Have you maybe talked about opening up the marriage to get what you both seek and maybe get some happiness? It might be really hard to find others who would be ok with such an arrangement, so it’s that or find a way to amicably separate. Financially, can you afford to still support here separated? Could your wife be bisexual by chance? Or is it clear she’s only into women now?I wish I had more prudent advice and people who aren’t emotionally in your situation can give great advice. Maybe you just need to rip the band-aid off? I don’t know, I’m just glad to not be in your situation. Best of luck.
As the other person said there is a whole lot to unpack. As a divorced parent I will tell you it’s so much better for the kids to have 2 parents who are happy then to have them together not getting along. Not to mention that you are modeling the behavior of what a “healthy” relationship looks like.
I think men tend to get comfortable and come up with excuses as to why they can’t “abandon” their wives.
You say you are worried about her being homeless but you still have a responsibility to the kids so child support can help and does she work?
I survived and am thriving. My kids are thriving. It’s a lot better than living with someone that you dont love.
The right decision isn’t always the easiest.
Good luckI sent you a dm. Would be interested in chatting. I’m seriously considering re-location 🤔
Liz I think the nuance you may be missing is that Inksea hasn’t said they “aren’t getting along”. He’s just expressed a wish to put the children first and to not upend their stability. Men frequently do this. They can de-prioritise their own (moment-to-moment) happiness because the idea of their children’s stability (and, frankly happiness) is more important to them.
I think the phenomenon of co-parents “not getting along” tends to occur more frequently where the female is the one who is “unhappy”.
Further, I suspect the fact that women enjoy the presumption of being the main custodial parent (post divorce) informs many of the behaviours under consideration here. And I don’t limit that remark to Inksea’s current conundrum; with respect, I extend it to your own, too.
There’s some generalisation in the above of course but I think it’s broadly fair. It’s more productive to have an honest airing of the issues. I think your post risked taking the conversation off down a well-trodden (but ultimately sterile) narrative to nowhere.
Inksea….you strike me as an articulate and thoughtful person. I cant honestly imagine your wife will end up destitute on the dissolution of a marriage. I don’t know what your state laws are but I’m sure she’s extremely well indemnified against your joint assets and your own personal income. If you’ll forgive me, that doesn’t sound like what’s at the bottom of this either.
It’s a very tough question. I think-as a bare minimum-you have to do the appraisal with complete and utter honesty. As difficult as that no doubt is.
I honestly didn’t read all of the response but I can give you another example.
A friend once told me he and his wife weren’t getting along and that he suspected she was cheating. He said he could never imagine not living with and raising their son. Long story real short. Turns out he is an alcoholic and he didn’t want to leave because being with his wife made things very comfortable.
So there is thatWell yes, naturally there are weird outlier cases like that also, Liz. But I doubt that moves the conversation along either. I mean I didn’t infer that Inksea was alcoholic for instance.
To be honest I think that was just a deliberate attempt to miss the point.
Agree with Liz. A lot of people are afraid of the unknown. They are comfortable being marring, albeit unhappily or incompatible. Maybe they are afraid of a standard of living change by having to support two households. Maybe they can find a way to life separate lives being under the same roof. Problem is, many people in the dating pool will not be happy dating someone who is in this type of arrangement. It’s best to find a way to split and someone moves out.
Hi, Inksea, what a post, thank you for sharing!!
I dont think its up to us to have an opinion on what you wrote. And you write very well, I enjoyed reading it, in spite of a very serious topic.
What hit me the most was your feeling of loneliness and hurt and having no one to talk to. Happy you are on this site, because I hope you will notice that can be changed! And dont gove up: in the reactions above we read enough examples of people finding love outside their marriage. Just be open about your situation early on and dont give up. You seem to know very well what you want and thats good.
Love, DaisyInksea, your honesty and courage are admirable. Life is not black and white, each case is different. It is not for anyone else to judge the choices you make.
There is no value in apportioning blame to any party involved (including yourself), as this only leads to more anger and resentment. Also, do not look back or get bogged down with “what ifs”. Look to the future and do what you think is right. It obviously hurts, but you are facing that.
Good luck with everything, it is possible to find good friends and always remember that you are not alone.
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