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I see a lot of guys who say they want an emotional connection, but when it comes to talking, all they talk about is ANR/ABFR. Only a small number actually ask me about my day, my thoughts, my life, my views, etc. The conversations are dominated by ANR and the potential sexual side effects. There are usually no signs that they want to actually learn about who I am as a person, and are more interested in what I can provide for them.
This behavior seems the exact opposite of wanting an emotional connection and totally wanting a physical connection.
So I looked up the definition of what an emotional connection is. This is the jist of what I found:
> A couple that meets and delves into learning as much about each other as possible creates an emotional connection.Through thoughtful and caring communication, you each learn the intricacies of the other. You learn what makes him happy, what makes him angry and what brings him to his knees in joyful celebration. He learns what brings you to tears, what causes you to smile mysteriously, and what frustrates you. You each learn the essence of the other and feel compassion and empathy, or share the emotion.
Then there is this:
> Keep in mind there is a difference between physical attraction and an emotional connection.Although one may lead to the next, physical attraction is a superficial emotion that begins the journey toward an emotional connection and love.
So, I have to ask, those here who say they are looking for an emotional connection, why do conversations always start with ANR/BFR and/or sex? If the physical is a false connection of emotion, why is it the most drawn upon even when the guy says that’s absolutely what he wants? Can anyone enlighten me beyond the “it’s the primary thing we have in common”? Because while it is, it ends up being the only thing in common because very little else is discussed.
Men, you have the floor.
Thank you @Foxy Goddess.
What a great topic for discussion. It’s something that has been bothering me about the interactions here too.My guess is that they think you want an emotional connection; so in order to raise their profile, they put it in there. Could be wrong; but that would be my guess.
While I agree with this, I see it on guys who I have reached out to first, specifically because they say they want an emotional connection, and then, they prove that wrong.
Ironically, those who haven’t mentioned much about their goals for getting a relationship, or are clear that they don’t want anything more than friends in their profile have all been amazingly great guys to talk to,and who I enjoy talking to. They are the only ones who the conversations haven’t been ANR/BFR exclusive or dominant.
May I also say, being that intentionally deceitful is really a crappy thing to do to someone else and if that is happening, that is not okay.
It seems to me that the question for “them” is do they want a relationship or just to breastfeed?
A long term anr is a relationship that has breastfeeding as an integral part of the relationship. Even with a casual Abf relationship the is an emotional connection, thus a friendship formed. At least it’s that way for me.
If not you might well suck on a fold of skin.Btw, how are you doing @foxgoddess?🐮🤗
@grogman – I am mostly wondering if there is confusion, conflating a physical relationship that *can* create emotions of sexual and stress release, or an actual emotionally connected relationship that requires vulnerability, honesty and the desire to know another person on a mentally intimate level.
A relationship is exactly that. Two people equally putting into each other to form bonds. Yeah, you can form physical bonds, but truthfully, I can get someone to just nurse me whenever. What I can’t seem to get is a guy who is being honest, sincere and has the integrity to mean what they say. I can assume that there are varying reasons for this lack of being able to connect emotionally (lack of trust, fear of rejection, fear of being vulnerable and potentially hurt, etc. The list is endless as to why guys constantly go to physical over emotional relationships.) but then, I would suggest they seek therapy for help with those issues instead of potentially hurting someone else. They aren’t ready for the type of relationship they are claiming they want and need to get themselves there, otherwise, they are doomed to empty physical situations and relationships.
I’m doing well! ❤️🐮 just dealing with a potential sinus infection, but doing well!
I agree with being intentionally deceitful is terrible. Yet it seems to be par for the course on almost all dating apps. If it wasn’t for the fact that they are all designed to keep you single(and potentially paying); I would have thought that one of them would have figured out a solution to this problem. But I feel I have digressed from the topic at hand.
My take on when they say they want emotional connection based on conversations with a number of men who have said they want this is that they are saying they want the space of safe vulnerability that nursing can help usher into existence. The act of suckling is a doorway to being flooded with oxytocin and relaxing into a state of bliss. This is equated to an emotional manifestation as opposed to as physical.
Caring about the person who made the experience possible is compartmentalized as something else.
@shorster – I dont think you are moving the topic in another direction. Other than this isn’t a “pay to play” dating site and doesn’t use such tactics to make money, I think you have stayed on topic.
Basically the way I see this is that one of three things is happening:
1) The guy really just doesn’t know or understand what an emotional connection is and/or that it cannot be created from a solely physical place, or;
2) The guy is confusing the type of relationship he really wants, or;
3) he is being willfully deceitful by pretending that is what he wants to get what he wants.
Now, 1 & 2 are okay. There is room for learning and gaining understanding and becoming aware of what is really wanted. Kind of a no harm, no foul thing. If you don’t know, you don’t know.
The 3rd is really inexcusable. I’m not judging those who want just a physical thing, a FWB, or a casual partner. All those are fine and perfectly good. What isn’t okay is not being open about that up front. Instead, the desire is to trick someone into something they don’t want and that’s pretty disgusting. Especially when there are definitely women here who are more than willing to have that kind of relationship. Why go after those who want something more and cause them hurt and distrust? The need to suckle and nurse can’t be that sttong that you feel it’s okay to be that kind of person.
Now, I posted this question because I teuly want to know and I’m pretty tired of wasting time on people who say they are on the same page as me wanting an emotional connection when all they really want is a sexual connection. Honesty goes a long way in assuring you have the partner you want for the length you want them.
@roseknows – that makes complete sense, but that is not an emotional connection. That is a space that allows someone to enjoy a physical relationship without judgement, or an actual emotional connection.
This is totally okay too. I’m not putting anyone down who wants that because everyone needs a space they can feel safe.
What isn’t okay is calling it an emotional connection when it really isn’t.
I completely agree, FoxyGoddess. I think we continue to educate and get on the same page as a collective.
I have made it a habit of confirming that “the buzz words” mean the same when talking with someone new.
It probably stems from my background as a non native English speaker. It is a habit that has served me well in all contexts of my life.
I think you are probably right, that emotional safe space can easily be seen as an emotional connection to some.
@ FoxyGoddess
“Now, I posted this question because I teuly want to know and I’m pretty tired of wasting time on people who say they are on the same page as me wanting an emotional connection when all they really want is a sexual connection. Honesty goes a long way in assuring you have the partner you want for the length you want them.”
I believe honesty should be mandatory in every relationship, no matter how transient or long term. Unfortunately it’s not something that’s found consistently, if at all sometimes.
Speaking for my gender is problematic, but I’ll give it a go. I remember when I was younger, what an emotional wreck I was. Guys are not trained on emotions. We can’t figure out our own feelings, so understanding other people’s feelings is pretty unlikely. So a guy can want some kind of emotional connection without knowing what it is or how to achieve a form of connection. Mature self awareness is not really common.
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