A Male Perspective on ANR/ABF

[Jon]

Original Fetlife Post

INTRO

ANR: Adult nursing relationship

My definition: An actual relationship that has nursing as a primary focal point.

ABF: Adult breastfeeding

My definition: Much more generally the act of breastfeeding, without regard to relationship status, one-night stands, etc. “Drive-by suckling”, or meeting for breastfeeding exclusively, would be part of this.

My partner: Her name is Liz, which is publicly displayed in her profile on Fet, but she gave explicit permission that her name is okay to display here.

There are a number of resources and posts about breastfeeding. I’ve found that everything I’ve read or seen focuses on a female-centric point-of-view. I would like to add to that discourse.

ANR/ABF is still considered taboo. Many people are filled with revulsion. Some, curiosity. Others, need. When I think of nursing from my partner, I feel such closeness to her. It’s intimate, it’s warmth, it’s desire, it’s a bond. That’s what it really comes down to; bonding.

There are those who are fine with “drive-by-nursing.” For them, it’s more about the fluid exchange, I think. It’s like a sex-analog, if you will. This post is not about that, though.

I want to talk about the intimacy, the dynamic I share with Liz, how we engage with each other, our history before meeting each other, and, more than anything else, de-stigmatization. Hopefully someone reads this and decides to try out one of the most beautiful activities two humans can share.

CHEMISTRY

There are different kinds of chemistry; there’s the chemical kind, and the emotional kind. This is about both.

Oxytocin is also known as the “love hormone,” not that love need be involved necessarily. But it’s such an important chemical. In humans, it’s related to social bonding, sex, childbirth, and milk production.

I knew that my search for an ANR would ultimately yield an incredible bonding experience with someone else, should I chance across someone compatible.

I found my wife through fairly vanilla means (pretty standard adult dating site, so nothing kinky or fetish-focused). And I did grow to love her in the way that most people experience. We bonded, we were compatible, we had children, and the love evolved into something much more stable and safe.

I found my other life partner (Fun_Fountains, aka Liz) through less vanilla means (Fetlife). We were both seeking an ANR. And we were both at a point in our lives where it was possible we could not only achieve that, but allow it to grow without bounds. We started with non-lactation nursing. Regardless of the presence of milk itself, we bonded strongly through these encounters. And we were compatible in so many other ways. I feel that nursing allowed those other compatibilities to manifest ultimately as a new love, a different and exciting one. And that love has also evolved, but it’s special. It’s still exciting and relatively new. But it’s more than that. And it’s hard to say exactly why it’s “more,” but oxytocin is likely part of that. Every time we nurse, we feel that bond draw us close together in a way we’ve never experienced before.

FLUID

A big draw with sex in general is fluid exchange. It’s natural. It’s what makes animals animals, including humans. But we humans have something other animals lack; imagination. We also understand consequence. Not everyone is ready for raw sex, for one reason or another. So we create analogs. And exchanging fluids are often part of those uniquely-human activities. Watersports, blood/impact play, bukkake/cum play, oral sex, and kissing are ubiquitous.

One thing less ubiquitous is lactation play. But I think this falls under the header of fluid exchange, and can be thought of as a sex-replacement by some. This is probably why there is a draw for some to engage in lactation-play, even if sex isn’t part of such an encounter.

Milk is unique. It signifies life, growth, sustenance. We are programmed to desire it from birth. Some retain that programming.

I’ve always been curious about human breastmilk (hereafter simply referred to as “milk”), though I’ve never sought anyone out to just try it. My first experience with milk was with my wife. She pumped some for our newborns, but did not use it all. She told me to dump it, but I thought I’d try it first. It had changed temperature outside her body, and I was sure it was nothing like drinking straight from her. But it was sweet and I was interested in more. But breastfeeding from her was not to be, for reasons I will not get into.

I was hopeful milk would be part of a relationship at some point, but was accepting that I may never have any. And when I did find Liz, I never made it a requirement that she lactate. I would be happy with dry nursing. But there is something extra when milk is present. There is something that pulls me in more. And I believe it is fluid exchange. It signifies trust as well.

In addition, that fluid exchange can be sexual. Drinking her milk is arousing to me. Sometimes we nurse only. Sometimes it leads to joking and play. Sometimes it leads to sex. Either way, it is an amazing and incredibly intimate experience for both of us.

MECHANICS

For information on the mechanics of induction, please review Liz’s writings (in Fet). Very generally, she’ll use domperidone, both to start and maintain milk creation. A rigid pumping/nursing schedule can be extremely beneficial as well.

As for the physical mechanics, the act of breastfeeding is an intimate one. It helps to be connected with your partner, in more ways than one. Specifically, it helps to know your partner’s body language, and how her body responds to your touch, to your mouth, to your actions.

My partner’s breasts are on the larger side, so I like to grasp the active breast with both hands while laying on our sides. I will latch with her nipple almost resting against the top of my mouth. Whereas some claim to induce milk release by using the tongue on the underside of the portion of breast in one’s mouth, I find the most release is achieved simply through sucking. It’s quite different than a straw, but the result is similar; her milk will spray into my mouth initially. As her supply dwindles for the session, milk will still trickle out for a time. I imagine the length of time for a typical session varies from one woman to the next, but I need at least 10 minutes to adequately empty her reservoirs. Extra milk can be expressed if suckling cannot extract it all.

The taste of her milk does not appreciably change with diet. Nor have I noticed much change in viscosity. But temperature has changed in different situations. Her milk is generally cooler than the rest of her body, but can be warmer depending on other activities, weather, and snuggling time.

One of her primary complaints regarding past partners, and I’m sure non-breastfeeding women can relate, is in the use of teeth. Some guys like to use teeth when they shouldn’t. Some women’s nipples are sensitive and teeth should never be used. Some are not, and may encourage biting. Either way, discuss this beforehand. I was never one to use teeth, so that was a point of compatibility in us.

Another thing to think about is breath. If someone has bad breath, there could be a medical reason, and there can be a transference of bacteria/viruses during nursing. Proper hygiene is important, and all mouth-related medical issues should be resolved before attempting to nurse.

Lastly, piercings. Nipple piercings can adversely affect the ability to produce milk in a natural way, as it can interfere with ducts and how milk is expressed. In addition, such piercings also, in my opinion at least, taste like car keys, so that would absolutely negatively affect the taste of received milk. Tongue piercings could potentially snag against the nipples or inhibit a good latch.

HISTORY

We have no idea how we ultimately found each other in Fet-land. I think I had been following her, but I can’t verify when that began. Regardless, I think someone liked a pic of hers, and I subsequently liked a few once I viewed her profile. The first pic was liked at 4:26pm on 8/15/2024. Six minutes later she had read through and commented on one of my writings, about being true to yourself. I had recently had a bad experience with someone being disingenuous. A short exchange there, and then I sent her a full email at 11:11pm that night (I take my time crafting messages because everyone deserves something personalized). Three days later and we’ve exchanged phone numbers. On 9/9/2024 we noted our relationship status change in Fet.

A lot of guys have asked (me personally as well as generally on Fet) how to talk to a woman, how to initiate conversation with someone they like, how to start a relationship, how to, how to, how to. It’s really not complicated; be honest. You don’t want to start anything under false pretenses; it won’t work out. Read through the profile in its entirety, no matter how long it is, multiple times. Address them how they want to be addressed. Talk about similarities, but also talk about what makes you unique. With Liz, she’s a very no-nonsense woman, so that was the subject header of my message. And I made sure to not only acknowledge that, but to show that it is an attractive trait.

In all of that, I never even mentioned breastfeeding. Yeah, it’s something that was on both of our profiles. So we both knew. But I treated her like a human I wanted to get to know. If you start your messages with your fantasy, you’re going to get shut down most of the time, and that applies to any kink or fantasy.

My pursuit of an ANR started a couple years before meeting her. But that mostly came down to finding ANR-minded women who also matched me in other regards. I’m not going to message everyone that wants an ANR; that’s a recipe for disaster. There were two other women I messaged prior to Liz.

The first woman I messaged who wanted an ANR lived quite far away (about 2 hours). So we had a lot of online communication at first, and it went well for a while. At some point she said she was applying to jobs. I offered to help with her resume. She declined because it would have information she wasn’t ready to share, yet. Fair enough. But a few days later, after getting to know each other even more, I accidentally brought it up again. Really didn’t mean to, but she took that as a red flag and that was that.

The second one lived far away, too (about 3 hours). But she was married and her and her husband were new to the whole poly thing. New to everything about that lifestyle. And they were NOT ready. He was very controlling of what she was “allowed” to do. We couldn’t even hug in public. We did, and she felt guilty pretty much right away. There was also the issue of sex; I valued it highly in any relationship I have, but it was something that they were being very cautious about. Too cautious for me. Ultimately, they just weren’t ready. She’s still active on Fet and it turns out she is into stuff that is definitely not my thing. So I’m glad that didn’t work out.

As for Liz, she spent a considerably longer time searching for an ANR than I did; 7 years. She wrote about her journey. It’s harder for a woman to find a man for an ANR. Too many guys ignore what the “R” means. Most don’t fill out their profile (no one wants to waste their time with someone incompatible). Others are idiots and treat her as a kink dispenser. And yet others can’t have a conversation if their life depended on it. She wrote about some of that here. To be fair, these are issues most women have with men on Fet (and other social sites). But harder doesn’t mean impossible. Perseverance and not taking the idiocy as a personal affront are somewhat required traits to successfully date, even for vanilla folks.

DE-STIGMATIZATION

This last topic is a very important one as far as ABF goes because there is a lot of stigma and taboo surrounding the subject.

Some people think it’s icky to drink human breast milk as an adult, usually for unspecified reasons. But it’s delicious and nutritious. It’s natural.

Some people mentally link the act with children, and get a knee-jerk-repulsion. This especially doesn’t make sense if the woman is not even breastfeeding children. But even if she was, there could be reasons why she may still breastfeed a partner, such as hyperlactation, the child(ren) can’t latch or otherwise suckle properly, the milk is not suitable for babies due to medications, etc.

Yet others think there is some D/s mechanic at play with “mommies,” “hucows,” and “fem-dom,” and those have their own set of kink-shamers. To each their own. But none of these are ones Liz or I subscribe to, and that alone should show that these are not part of every ANR.

Liz wrote a wonderful writing about the taboo nature here. To summarize, lots of activities have been considered taboo, disgusting, or repulsive over the eons of humanity across many cultures. But these views can change. Even women enjoying sex was at one point considered repugnant. It starts with a seed, with those who are willing to speak up and normalize it.

That’s why I’m writing this, so that maybe someone who didn’t think about ABF, or thought it was disgusting, now thinks of it in a different light. It doesn’t have to be about sex, eroticism, arousal. It can involve these, but it’s more about the intimacy and bonding the act inspires.

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